KILLING ME SOFTLY

           

 "Ancient Rainbow Oak" by LINDA *

(see below).

DO ME!

  Tear me limb from limb

Make me pain

See me bleed

Such long I've lived

And long loved

From my Father's seed

I grew in vain?

Down now. Take me

 But one more tree

Write exactly160 characters, POST on Sunday, 

and let Monkey Man know, with a comment.

Read a couple others while you are there, OK?

* Image of ancient oak by LINDA,California Artist (and Blog Peep).
View her vividly colorful work. Read 
her interwoven philosophies and witticisms
at Vulture Peak Muse. Beautiful galleries.
Many works are listed for sale.
Presented With JOY!

EXPERIENTIALLY KNOWING

IT TAKES TWO—OR MORE

A spark of energy bursts at the meeting of two people with like-minds. For example, as one alcoholic communicates with another, there is a common bond of “You 'know' me—I 'know' you.”

However, there is that requisite: it takes two or more which communicate for this spark to occur. Two prison inmates or two professors, bricklayers, attorneys, priests, artists, teachers, airline pilots...

Every discipline characteristically utilizes a language all its own. My profession is music which, by its nature, IS an audible language. Strange notations and signs translate—by the hands of a skilled musician—into sound-messages, which have power to stir emotions in all who 'feel' and/or 'hear'. (My father while deaf-blind, enjoyed putting his hand on my violin and 'hearing' the vibrations.) And, the discipline--this art, music--has its particular spoken language also.

When conversing with another of the same vocation, a certain feeling of camaraderie ensues—almost spiritual in nature. It is communing of two Peeps who studied and worked long and hard to achieve proficiency in their art.

Couple nights ago in FaceBook chat I met Kimberly, a violinist-blogger-Peep. We 'talked' music, symphony playing, auditions, practicing, teaching, etc. It is the first time I have enjoyed that special familiarity of mutual understanding, of being on the same musical wave length—through this blog-world.

During a “first conversation” with any working musician, I sense a similarity of that particular 'moment' when I first meet another recovering alcoholic. In the case of the alcoholic, the two of us experience instant comprehension of a past commonality. From helplessness and hopelessness, to rescue and recovery, we each found a way of living a happy life without booze or drugs.

Back to music and musicians: click on Kimberly and you will meet an enthusiastic blogger, and a true musician in every sense!

This morning I visited with a very talented man I used to play jobs with: flute trios, duets, in churches, banquet rooms and symphony halls. He is elderly. We talked of our years as soldiers in the symphonic armies, and of our musical lives today. I had been gently urged, brain-tugged, to ride to his home. A widower for several years, I found him lonely, and not very well. We discussed techniques of bowing, vibrato, teaching, tone production...all in a language many would find foreign. One more opportunity for me to experience true joy in that spiritual warmth of 'knowing' another Peep, almost with the closeness of former battle comrades. 

As I sit here and wonder, pondering these things in the wee hours, I gaze past the laptop at my “gallery wall” of paintings and drawings from Blog-Peeps, and thank God for His kindness to unworthy me. Why was I chosen to be so blessed? Blessed with sobriety, with amazing Peep-friends: artists, writers, poets, musicians and Sober Peeps? I will not question, but simply and silently revel in this life which is (gratefully) so BIG!

Love and PEACE!

Illo:
design_for_cover_by_ayhe-d3iwvs8

DEVIANT ART

DIMENSION of WEAVING

 SPINY-BACKED ORB-WEAVER

 Lots of these guys/gals in every back yard In our area. I don't mind them, EXCEPT when I'm mowing grass between our numerous bushes and trees--and fences. Because I do not 'see' them until they have found a home under my sweaty shirt...or under... well, worse--grin!

For a real cool experience, watch this, then tell me there is no God. Probably I'll not squash one of these spider-peeps EVER AGAIN! Seriously.

Go HERE to see what I mean!

 For more information, click THIS

NOTE: during my "drunk" days, I would have (partially!) eaten creatures like this.

AN OLDER DIMENSION

 PROPER AGING?

Upon viewing recently found pictures from a lot of years ago, I recalled thinking at the time how terrible I looked. That prideful shame I felt for anyone to 'see' my image. This lasted most of my life.

How I wish now for those likenesses of an enthusiastic, carefree youth riding his first motorized bike were still me. Photos from days of college, symphony, and those crappy news photos alike, how I hated them. Today, how I wish I 'looked' like that again? NOT!

Not really! Nope, I do not really wish to be a teen—or a twenty-een—and die all over—again! Because so well I remember parts of all those years I needed to drug my brain with alcohol, just to feel 'normal', to enjoy myself, to be with others, etc.

Life is too good, too big, too great now. I'm truly looking forward with  joyful anticipation of each tomorrow. What wondrous meetings, what 'miracles' await, what happy moments—and sad—are lurking, hiding themselves in the next hour!

However, a poem did emerge from my thoughts the other day, and so I wrote the following to a friend:

ON GROWING OLDER...

This age of mine

I detest.

Cannot run

Breathe heavily doing steps

Forget names of people I know so well

Cannot remember even what day is now.

To frighten someone away, I need only

Send them my photo....

Naked

And my true loved one I feel to be

Maneuvering away from me.

It is so the same

No blame

Hurry, Reaper Grim

Rush. Bring to me

That darkness of

Forever night

I am here to welcome you

With enthusiasm of one

Who has waited so long...

One very tired

Of it

All

--Steve E

growing_old__by_bnichole

DEVIANT ART

A DIMENSION OF BLIND HOPE

"AND THE BLIND SHALL SEE AGAIN>>>"

Another page in the "Book of Steve"

A girl--now age eight--was born sightless. I know her well. (I shall call her "G".) G knows that she is not the same, that others perceive things in a different manner than she. Hearing is perfect. She talks of course, has many cousins, Aunts, Uncles, BIG family. None live close by.

One brother, age 5, has specially befriended G, stays with her everywhere, plays games, walks in the woods--everywhere--holding her hand. When they come to a babbling cool brook, they splash one another with obvious glee, even JOY! This closeness is necessary for them both at this time.

Other numerous children in this family are too far removed by age to relate well with younger siblings--that 'teen' stuff, ya know?

G knows braille symbols, is extremely intelligent, but lives in a state which allows too many of its handicapped residents to fall between large cracks. The family lives far away.

G's younger brother was sent (I believe this!) by God to G, or she might be dreadfully alone in her uniqueness. Things are what they are. My prayer: As the lives of these two emerge, each turning point might safely harbor positive change.

This I know. G will 'see' many things which most of us sighted Peeps do not. The sightless are NOT unseeing.

Imagine becoming a resident of this beautiful place—earth/universe--never to view in 3-D color. My father was sightless also from birth. His lifelong theory: "God takes special care of Blind People and Drunks!" (He was not a 'drunk'!)

BLIND GIRL

 Please say a prayer for G, that God also might care 

for her in a special way. G might be the shining light 

for someone—or many--if that is not already happening.

Thank you, Peeps.

PEACE!

Top Image: Space_of_my_mind_by_excence

Bottom Image:  Sightless_Eyes_by_Zombion

DEVIANT ART

One-Dimensional

RESPITE

These are a few thoughts which 
I've garnered from Peeps:

“In the absence of our judgment, everything is at it should be.”

To relieve our depression we practiced symptoms of radiant happiness

We must do things which are uncomfortable, in order to BE comfortable

Sobriety should not be a struggle, for we have ceased

fighting anybody or anything—including alcohol

Q. What will I DO when I stop drinking?

A. Everything ELSE!

New book title: “HOW TO STAY SOBER.........for DUMMIES”

Chapter ONE: Do Not have that FIRST Drink!

For Family Outings, Parties, watching TV football:

MUST I numb my brain in order to enjoy life????

One thing worse than enthusiasm which is dead--

PATHETICISM!

Wife, to recovering alcoholic husband:

“YOU always were a Jekyll-and-Hyde,

But the wrong one got sober...”

__________________________________________

MAN, thinking about quitting drinking--

'talking' to his fresh bottle of Jack Daniels:

“ You made me lose my wife, children, house,

car, boat, my job, my 'friends' and my health...

..(He puts bottle up close to his ear, and softly says)

"DID I JUST HEAR YOU APOLOGIZE?”

sayings_by_limeslime34--Deviant Art

DIMENSION OF STEVE

ONE OF MY FAVORITE

SONGS!

Once there were green fields kissed by the sun
Once there were valleys where rivers used to run
Once there were blue skies with white clouds high above
Once they were part of an everlasting love
We were the lovers who strolled through green fields

Green fields are gone now, parched by the sun
Gone from the valleys where rivers used to run
Gone with the cold wind that swept into my heart
Gone with the lovers who let their dreams depart
Where are the green fields that we used to roam

I'll never know what made you run away
How can I keep searching when dark clouds hide the day
I only know there's nothing here for me
Nothing in this wide world, left for me to see

Still I'll keep on waiting until you return
I'll keep on waiting until the day you learn
You can't be happy while your heart's on the roam
You can't be happy until you bring it home
Home to the green fields and me once again

CELEBRATION DIMENSION

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

Yesterday, June 10^th Alcoholics Anonymous celebrated it's 76^th year. Two men, Bill W. and Bob S. met in an estate gatehouse in Akron Ohio. A 'planned' 15-minutes turned into a nearly half dozen hours. From that meeting was discovered that 'Higher-Power-God-triggered-spark' of addiction healing which likely begins with two willing souls in face-to-face sharing . These TWO evolved to more than today's two-million-plus sober members and 107,000 registered groups worldwide. Thank You Creator God, from all us sober Peeps, rescued from the chaos of desperation, a state of helplessness and hopelessness.

Open House was held at our Naples Intergroup. I was one of the 'hosts', to show peeps around (2 rooms—grin!) and eat OMG-Good-cake!

Saturday, we have a largerread 'longer'- celebration. More Peeps, and all-day shows, contests, historical stuff, capped by a dinner, speaker meeting, and dancing. Well, it's not EVERY day an organization turns age 76. I was already age 2--yes the 'terrible' twos, that was me! No, I was not yet a member of Alcoholics Anonymous--grin! But I was surrounded by farmer-Peeps who SHOULD have been.

Today I am grateful for God's Gifts; sobriety, health, family, special blog-friends, summer (yes!), artists and poets, animal-friends, seasonal and personal change, ability to live and to love.

PEACE!

DIMENSION OF OBLIVION

ONE ALCOHOLIC TALKS TO ANOTHER

At the risk of sounding my usual pompous self I relate this short story:

5 AM...Monday morning. The last thing I desired was to 'rise-and-shine', greet the new day, the new week. So I set my sights on a 7 AM meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Figured I could fall asleep while some of the old-timers bloviated. Outside the 24-Hour Club were standing nearly 100 Peeps, all talking, shouting, laughing—SOBER!

This scenario often appears when I least feel like it: in the midst of the cacophony stood a solitary fellow, who had obviously spent the past few weeks/years living in the Everglades 'woods' (means: HOMELESS!). He looked terribly 'uncouth', ya KNOW what I'm sayin'--and claimed he stayed sober for 2 years...TEN YEARS AGO...and knew me from AA meetings then. He has been homeless for 8 years.

He refused to introduce himself as a returning Peep, also did not wish to go into the 'Beginners' room. So we stayed put. As a topic unfolded, (“What are YOU doing to help others stay sober?”) I whispered to him, “We're OUTTA here”, as I scurried him over to the 'newbie' meeting.

And we ran right into a discussion of Step 3. “Made a decision to turn our life and will over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Guess who--out of a room of 25 Peeps—was called on to 'share'. MY PEEP!!! So he DID get his 'Baptism under fire', so to speak.

Later, outside, we talked about several who said they had “relapsed”. To me, if a sober alcoholic drinks again it is not a “relapse”. It is, that the Peep MADE A DECISION to drink. Call it what it IS. “Relapse” is when a cancer returns after 6 years of cancer-free. My opinion, Peeps.

Oh, one more thing, a painter-friend--after the meeting--gave my new man a job for the day, painting! I could see God working all over the place Monday morning.

My schedule for Tuesday morning...you guessed it! Up at 5 AM, meeting at 7 AM. (Now—GO TO BED, Steve!)

  
NOTE:
"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." - Robert Louis Stevenson

A BORING POST?

antimatter partner of the helium nucleus: 

antihelium-4--discovered 2011

RANT--A DIMENSION OF STEVE

Six hundred years ago (c.1411) I might have been the same Peep as today, riding my scooter-quasi-motorcycle (sans motor!) up and down the alleyways of town. Destination today--grandson's house, where we'd spend an hour studying and practicing the art of violin playing. He is age 12. As I roared into his driveway, he remarked that I reminded him of a European troubadour many years before—yesss, he can even spell that word!--with all the stuff, music, stand, violin, metronome, tuner loaded on top my bike. Without the 'roar'!

Okay. But this post is not about that:

Sitting number eleven in a row of vehicles I noticed the red light changed to green. I waited...waited, and not even the first car had pulled away from 'stop' yet. WHAT are they waiting for? The Rapture? So then, one-by-one, the Peeps in front of me waited for the car or truck in front of them to move forward about 20 yards (18 meters) before they, too, began to move (pitifully slow) ahead.

Ah, finally! MY turn to go. You've already guessed it—the light turned RED! Another 3 minutes of waiting. Grrrrr! (And this happens all the time.) Fortunately on my scooter--usually--I can slither in, out, and between, those daydreaming Peeps with cellphones at their ears. Whew!  

 End of Rant

At that precise moment my 'program' kicked in: this is an  opportunity for me to be quiet, practice patience and tolerance—maybe meditate a moment on the wonder of That Love which inspired Creation of all things between a speck of Antihelium-4 and Andromeda. And be grateful for my special gift of Sobriety.

And...for the remainder of this day, from task to task, exactly what was supposed to happen—happened. One more day sober, an AA meeting, and a few other personal matters, dealing with ISP Comcast (Internet Service Provider), and most important, serenity happened. And it hung around ALL day. Another meeting (speaker) tonight.

By the way...“D”, my violin student, showed real progress since a week ago. I'm so proud of this smart kid. If NOTHING else comes of his music lessons, he will one day be able to greet a violinist, and 'know' what that Peep had to go through, in the beginning. And...he might even enjoy a Beethoven symphony another day long away, with HIS child/Grandson.

God is Good. As Jessie often passionately exclaims: YAY GOD!

DIMENSION: SELF-AWARENESS

KNOW THYSELF

 "what you need is awareness”, said the Master to a religious-minded disciple. “Awareness, awareness, awareness.”

“I know. So I seek to be aware of God's Presence in all things?”

“God-awareness is a fantasy, for you have no notion of what God is like. Self-awareness is what you need”.

 --in the style of DeMello

So it is you who

instructs,

guides.

You....

It is you who knocks

and you who say, "enter!"

YOU talk to you here!

You, who matters;

You, who dreams;

You, who work until drop;

You, who loves with passion your family;

You, who owns the heart of another

Speak to yourself--

Your Muse,

So deep cushioned

In that bosom

Speak pure sweetness ...

Of your life

In its total

Learn of your stresses, frustrations,

Your sometime-desire of thrill-filled

Tender touches: loving...longing.

Feel goose bumps 

on your arms,

Your thighs,

and sigh...

And sigh again.

Our God does not count who is walking through the cathedral door. Our God observes with happiness those who are living with love in their hearts for all others. Not hurt, nor pain, nor misery of suffering will satisfy the God-Heart. Only 

L O V E...and one may "mark those words" because they are truth.

Speak you to yourself

Of your true love

Whose heart HARBORS you

As you walk with him...or not.

It is, it can be, no other way.

Be of thyself aware

And God will be there.

IMAGE: don't you love in vain 

by sunshine911
in Deviant Art

Remember to Forget!

"Why do you keep talking about my past mistakes"?
said the husband.
"I thought you had forgiven and forgotten."


"I have, indeed, forgiven and forgotten," said the wife.
"But I want to make sure you don't
FORGET that I have forgiven and forgotten."


(Lagniappe)--

SINNER: "Remember not my sins, God!"


GOD: "WHAT sins? You'll have to prod my memory.
I forgot them long ago."

--Anthony DeMello

"THE SONG OF THE BIRD

Image:
Forget by detunedbystereo
As found in Deviant Art

A FINE ARTS DIMENSION

THE WALL

Nearly three years ago I began writing blogs. My sole interest then was alcoholism and alcoholic recovery. I started enjoying art and poetry. Today May 25 is my birthday (Gemini) and it occurs to me how I have been so blest, so gifted with prints of art works from six different bloggers over a two-year span.


Last night I decided to hang these pieces on the wall in front of my computer. I sit here now, just happily awestruck each time I look up from the computer. 

This blog is my gallery of friends ON that wall, and the Peeps who squiggled, drew, penciled and painted. I am thrilled, and joyfully post this blog:

First time I really examined a painting was the Lady in Red by CALLI and Calli-Girl sent it to me famed, ready to hang.

Then I met blogger "CAT"
Vibert in Ashville, NC and liked her FARM IN SNOW

  
The next four gifts are drawn by a fellow-Gemini, CES ADORIO...each one I received for a special reason, but have forgot the 'reasons'. Just now I enjoy being surrounded by "Ces-Art"


The Flower drawing next to the two nuts (Ces) below is "MEDITATION" by my wife PRAYER-GIRL, another Gemini (May 29)

Another by CES ADORIO...I really love these three ladies. Pathos, pain, heart-hurts--of a missing friend? THANK YOU, Ces. TSUP!

On the left:
These are gifts from--I want to call her LADY BELLA BELLA--like "Lady GAGA"!!!! However, grateful I am to have two of her illos! TSUP!

If only you could see this in person, the colors are exquisite. It is the header for her blog and LINDA is her name. She promised me this because I admired it so.


And now I can admire each morning and meditate on this beautiful FARM SCENE by LINDA

Inadequate is my ability to express the gratitude and love I have for these Peeps and their dedication to making this world a better place through their art. The wall looks like THIS:

As Manon Doyle writes: "Fill your heart with art!"

SOME DIMENSIONS NEVER CHANGE!

RIDE SAFE!

Recently—well several months ago—I came across two old family photos. The first was taken in October 1947. It is me riding my WHIZZER motorbike. I was age 14, really proud, and sort of (Ha!) a maverick. That means I did the exact opposite of whatever was expected of me or what I was told to do. P/S Still do sometimes.

This bike had 'power assist', i.e., the rider was the power, and he/she assisted by pedaling when the uphill journey demanded. I loved that bike—it did about 50 m/p/h with a tailwind—downhill—grin! (For this motorbike I paid $60...money from washing dishes in a large downtown Cincinnati restaurant.) Parents had said “No! Be smart! Deposit your money in a bank!”) Fat chance!

 

Photo #2 (below) is of me driving, a friend (Don) riding shotgun, on a 1948 Salsbury Motor Scooter (The last year they were manufactured). I bought it new in 1949, cost me $220, quite a lot of money in those days. I was 16 years old, a violin-practicing, farm working Peep (shoveled LOADS of you-know-what!) in an all-male high school. (What a screwed-up world!) I loved that scooter, it breezed along easily at 70 m/p/h/, ran circles around the competition. Automatic Drive, no gears to shift, no “owner-powered-assist”!)...

Can you see one of several Collies, "Lassie" 

in the background by front headlight? 

Also behind us is house where I lived 

from birth until "Goodbye"--about age 18

Hope you enjoyed this look at

Steve E in his 'yoot'...

NOTE:  During these years of youthful fun-and-frolic, 
I 'suffered' all the symptoms of alcoholism; 
Fear, Paranoia, Self-Centeredness, 
Pride, Anger, Greed, LUST, Envy, Vainglory.

Although I did not drink "TEN quarts of vodka each week, 
I  was never able to stop, once begun. 
Always wanted to feel better, to be someone else. 
And alcohol did that for me--from the first. 
Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous!

 (Photo Credit: Norma E, my mother, died 1995)

 

INTO EACH LIFE SUNSHINE MUST FALL

My FIRST Great-Grandchild, nearly two but not "terrible" is such a beautifully-made boy. He owns two marvelous parents. And I am SO proud. I met him on my first scooter trip in August 2009...and we WILL meet again!

 WE NEVER KNOW

Two years a resident.

One day a President?

Whether what or who--

Peeps will say, "We knew

Him WHEN...

But then,

Never theorized

Never realized

The mark each leaves

On world's Peeps.”

God and a mother know

At birth

The worth

Of that life, that soul,

Whether he'll be tall or small.

Only God, Who knows all

Is able to hold him high or

Pick him up from a fall

please Bless him and all babes

Anywhere--everywhere.

Those here, and over there

--Amen

NOT "JUST ANOTHER FACE"

 That face I cannot

Ever forget.

figured lace

Between me and you.

Most times I saw through

Sometimes only sought...

It was THOSE clouds

Formed countenances

Never caught.

Images of you I saw tonight

Your eyes...glances...

Smiled a lot. You

Showered me with light

From way above

I felt your love

And singing a tune

Gazed at a moon

So bright tonight--

Because on it's sweet face

Those clouds of lace

Had moved away

And left you for me

In my heart--alone--to see

What I ought never forget

Beautiful lace

Beautiful face

Of you...

Posted for OSW

GREAT EXPECTATIONS!

May 13, FRIDAY, 2011


So, Dearest Blogger (Google),


You have taken away my post from Wednesday. In past days/years that might have bothered me. But today it only B O T H E R S  M E !!!!!!--grin!


Actually, this is a message of appreciation for all you have given me for nearly three years. I have used resources of yours worth a king's ransom. I publish exactly what I wish. You send new 'tools' for free--with directions. I may come and go, stop or start.


The only Peeps who complain to me--or worse, wash me from their blogs, are those who ALSO use your myriad of services, which again, cost nothing. I may be playful, serious, --grin or LOL, even cuss a bit. I may publish a photo of a hay field, or of a beautiful nude. You are, to me, good Google...never rude.


You will fix "Blogger" and restore my post--it is the the first of mine I really LIKE out of several hundred. So I will practice my violin, get ready to play a wedding (on the beach) tonight at 7 PM, and when I arrive back here about 9 PM......


YOU HAD BETTER HAVE THIS F'KNG THING FIXED OR I'LL QUIT! (Wait a minute--I was never hired--grin!)


In reality Google, I love you, and wish you PEACE. Being at the apex of your discipline is so very difficult. Peeps have told me that, or I'd never know.


P/S  But HEY! I did 'know' once, it was a quart of SMIRNOFF and a gallon of genuine White Port Wine which kept me on top for two whole days...I was King, Emperor, Director, Great Leader of all the world. I woke up in back of the barn, lying on a fermenting manure pile in the hot mid-day sun.


Goodbye!
Steve E

Is she or Isn't she?

Girl in photo might be protecting her anonymity by hiding her face. I wonder if she is indeed a violinist? (Answer at end of post.)


Many of us violin players are dually addicted: music and alcohol. Together, they raise my spirit level to a totally higher stage...music and alcohol!


Ethyl Alcohol deadens the central nervous system, so in combination with violin playing, I never knew which it was made me "feel different, feel good"--grin! To that extent I often drifted apart from the real world, unfocused, lost in the activities--a symphony of empty bottles.


Playing violin and drinking booze walked with me hand-in-hand during half my life. The music lifted my spirits--the 'spirits' made me think I played OH! so good!  LOL!


With time, in my unawareness, those two drugs, music and booze--my two lovers--subtly began to quarrel, one whispering that it did not need or want the other to 'make' me happy. That was then.


Sober now--those days are long ago, seem far away. However, the ghost of the dead drug might return at any time to haunt the house. That is why I continue to go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, to help myself and others to steer a course through safe waters in that channel of sobriety, the sea of life...under the care of a Loving Creator.


For certain I do not know if the undraped violinist in the photo is an alcoholic (doubt it!)...but I DO know she is a violinist! How do you think I can tell? Well, blow it up a bit--I mean "enlarge the photo", dammmit!

Maybe only a string player would notice this: the fingernails of her left hand are neatly trimmed, while her right hand is sporting some wildcat claws...Sorry I do not have a link for you to the photographer. (I think she is 'nice'--grin!)


PEACE!