MARY and ME--1974

Every Tuesday is Open Link Night at dVerse Poets Pub

Today @ 3 PM Eastern doors open for OLN week#113

Mary--

I didn't even know her name. She saw I was adrift. Sober ninety days. Living in Alcoholic limbo. She saw in me fear, hopelessness, despair. June 1974 she simply handed me a brand new Hazelden 24-Hours-A-Day-Book©. She did not bark at me to "Get a sponsor" or "Work the Steps" or "You're gonna get drunk again" or "You'll never make it"... She said only, "Here--read this every day". That was thirty-nine years ago. And I still read it every day. And I'm still sober--2013. Sadly, Mary didn't make it, died drunk several years later. God bless her!

Then it was I had found out that God does not talk in thunderous bass voice from the skies. He speaks through others, often people with quiet voices, passing on inspired, gentle suggestions put in their heads. It's the way I see it.

PEACE and LIGHT

steveroni

ISOLATION--A GOOD TIME?

Words of "Isolation"

Music from "Fascination"

"It was Isolation, my dear..

T'was this Isolation,

sprung out from my fear

Heart that's made of lead

might as well be dead

Unless "I love YOU"

is--yes--what she said,

so true..." 

"Happy Thanksgiving 2012"

Thursday began for me like most other mornings, attendance at an early AA meeting (actually, two of them), happily greeting and enjoying friends in recovery. I had earlier posted on Face Book and elsewhere, how wonderful I felt, while wishing the same for everyone else--it IS a holiday!

Something unusual hit me in a sudden torrent of fear, preceded by a premonition that all was not well--in my head. 

A committee had formed in my brain, in emergency session, to remind me how worthless I am. How could anyone wish 

to be in my presence, or even near?

Ding, ding, ding, ding...

hear that bell ring?

it was my clue

to call somebody.

Anybody. Even you!

Nope! Rather be suffering. 

So I did "do" dinner at noon, and, 

tired from  forcing a smile, 

went home to "isolate"

--just as I used to many years ago. 

ALONE AND LONELY
1958

 I was alone and lonely

also I spoke to no one

and the world

seemed a strange place" 

One day while walking 

along the river bank, I met

a snake, a snail, and a shell.

And I spoke with them:

"All life is twain,

the one a frozen stream;

the other a burning flame.

And that burning flame is

LOVE!" 

(4 lines from THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran) 

Later I came upon 

a little child in a carriage 

...and she smiled tenderly at me.  

--Steve E, December 1958

OK, ces sation...

no more im molation 

a bit of--ap probation? 

(is that a word?--grin!)

That which brought you near

also brought you HERE

Sobriety intact,

Steve E  (aka steveroni) 

IMAGE

Family Bonding 

by ericashanee 

In Deviant Art    

UP, UP AND AWAY....

       RIDING!


Leaving Friday morning on a 200-mile weekend ride to Tampa FL, for an AA Area Assembly. Hopefully I'll find time to read, comment, and blog with some of you wonderful Peeps.

Been missing you. Confession:  I've been a defector (Face book).

Life is full...and happy. Sobriety does not guarantee 'happy', but it helps!

Sobriety DOES guarantee JOY! No Matter What (NMW!).

Ride safe. Stay sober. And I will, too!

LOVE and PEACE!
Steve

Sobriety: Day 1

Posted in Dverse Poets Pub

Open Link Night #33

TUESDAY MORNING

Thinking later, I wondered,

was this what God meant

for today to be?

Early in the morning

We met, He and I

seemingly by accident

He looked terrible:

red-eyed, blue-faced

body shaking, smelling...

Another whisked him

to hospital. But before that

we spoke together

Maybe God meant for this!

Sober Peep:

“How are you, man?

How's life for you?

Things going all right?

You been stayin' outta sight?”

He:

“I can't not drink.

I really want to stop,

I'm just so sad.

I want to quit so bad

and just cannot

(alcohol and drugs)...

I been in the woods,

a tent and a fire

and trillions bugs

Last night it rained so hard

lightning, thunder

Everything I own,

radio and mobile phone

all watered under,

soaked, and me too.

Strong winds blew,

stakes all bent

down came my tent--

please, can you

tell me what to do?”

God, where ARE You?

No car, no bike

no money, no job;

no bed, he said

no nothing but that

feeling-in-the-gut...

Helpless....Hopeless.”

Does our God have a plan here?

All things, all people He sees.

Helpless and hopeless

sometimes will

bring us to our knees.

On my own recovery road

God sent several guys

with a message of hope.

--Until I finally realized

that alone and lonely

I, by myself only--

can not make it work.

I need WE!

Not ME!


Image; 
path_by_sarahzio
in DEVIANT

PEACE

MY FANCY PHONE CASE

Several years I have been closing almost every blog post or other communication with the word "PEACE"!  Not simply a closing word, but a carefully thought, serious expression from deep within myself.


Whether illusion, delusion, or fact, it's how I have felt for some years now, after a life of early physical and mental abuse, followed by nearly 25 years of alcoholic drinking, and those pretty little pink pills. OH! What a voyage I've traveled. How fortunate I, to have experienced life as only a drunk can know, then allowed, helped, to quit that life, exchange it for years of sobriety.


And all the time seeking peace, so illusive for me, who returned to earth several times each day, wondering not only where my truck was parked--but did I even own a truck? Always though was that dream of being at peace, being one with the world. Some years, yes, I was in that space, no doubt--seeing it now--a product of denial rather than a life well-lived.


But survive I have, for no reason that I see--yet! Actually, that's not quite true. Lots of Peeps ask questions, and boy, do I have answers--grin!


Another reason for my survival is that I can now sit here, in fog-less (sleepless) stare, and wish for each of you....
PEACE!


P.S. Image is the back of my fancy phone case

VACATION REVERIE

I HAD A DREAM

Sunday night I re-lived a scene: --WWII newsreel in a downtown theater--which I viewed in 1943. My dream of a naval battle was as real and vivid had I lived it.

"Battle Stations...all hands, Battle Stations! Pilots, man your planes! Pilots, man your planes! We are under attack! Enemy fighter-bombers are incoming.

The excitement was beyond belief. Men--well, BOYS!--running up ladders, down, scurrying, rushing. Life-or-death for everyone. Apprehension reigned. Not from fear nor trepidation, but a definite anxiety showed on every face--strong determination in each beating heart, to work together to save our home, our ship, our planes, our carrier, the USS YORKTOWN. 

I was age 10 and knew so well these battles, following them on radio newscasts and in newsreel films at  movie houses. 

Now, in my dream nearly 70 years after, I heard once again screaming engines of Japanese Zero fighter aircraft, dive-bombing the fleet. I 'heard' this past Sunday night also screams of wounded, bloody bodies, some carrying their own limb--or limbs--limping along seeking some sort of heavenly help into that next life.

The scene next morning, Monday October 17, 2011.....

.....in Charleston, South Carolina I pointed my camera from that same stair-ladder as those who scrambled these same steps on USS YORKTOWN C-10, the second carrier so named. The first Yorktown had been sunk in 1942 during the Battle of Midway in the Pacific. This visit to a Navy Museum on the Carrier Yorktown was my first time on board "The Fighting Lady". Unforgettable, that's what it was. Anna and I spent the whole morning inspecting and snapping photos from engine room, to flight deck.

Wanted to give Peeps, 'peeks' of our vacation. Memorable as well, our greetings, meetings, and eatings!--with blogger friends Jessie R and husband Shawn R. They toured us around Charleston-Town. Such pleasure God allowed us. Also for the big things--sobriety, and the little things--a phone call from a friend far away, just to say "How are you?"...for all these I am ever grateful to our Creator-of-all-things!

Love and PEACE!

Published for and posted in Dverse Poet's Open Link Night (OLN)

REMEMBER 9.11.01

When they asked me,

“Did you cry?”

I told a lie

Truth would be

if only I'd say

“not 'til next day”.

Twenty-four hours

feeling numbness

struck with dumbness

Wednesday I went down

to give blood...

a flood of peeps,

old and young--

thousands in this little town.

Normal smiles turned to frown,

some, too old, sent away

crying, that Wednesday.

And I cried,

non-stop.

And I died—

well...not!

While in smoke-covered NY,

the city huddled under

blankets of debris

I lived for

days and days

walking streets of Naples.

In daze, eyes glazed, and

in my own special haze,

hidden from the world.

And...OH!!! the meetings

of Alcoholics Anonymous

here and there, everywhere

packed with Peeps. My

other family. Stayed close by

to hold hands,

hug, kiss, cry and pray

together. It wasn't over

but we all stayed sober

whether, or not

together...or not.

Please ask me why

do I say--today

LOVE...and PEACE!

From Steve E

IMAGE

Written Sept 10, 2011

for dverse Poets Pub

NOT A POEM! WELL, MAYBE...

NO TIME FOR PICTURES

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Why am I usually 'happy'?

why do I enjoy LIFE?

why do I feel at peace?

what frees me from
unnecessary stress?

How come I was 
gifted sobriety?

please...was not  
'will power', friends!

shhhhhh! Whisper...

(how do I stay sober?

grace of God, plus A.A.)

where I

walk, ride,

work, reside--

dead-end or

free-way?

freedom from Bondage of Self,

they say.

keeps me off dusty shelf

they say.

does not mean I'm unselfish...NO!

freedom from attachment

freedom from needing...wanting

freedom from Ego. Flaunting

talents not the game

daily assignments daunting

yet all the same.

“living life on life's terms...”

acceptance with open arms

thinking not less of self

but thinking of self less

clinches this deal:

living not lifeless stress

but living stress-less life

just me and my wife...

--steveroni

THIRTY-SEVENTH DIMENSION

 Sober Anniversary

For nearly twenty-five years I had sunk progressively into the alcoholic abyss of total self-centeredness, fear, EXTREME paranoia, alcoholic insanity and a life of utter chaos. Alcohol became as necessary for me to live...as air. It became my God, because whatever task assigned to me, my thought was constantly on the moment I'd be able to drink. "Soon...noon" I'd say to myself.

Following is a slightly edited reprint of my March 18, 2009 and 2010 blog post--

YEAR 1974

Five minutes before midnight on Monday March 18, 1974, I had my last and final drink of alcohol. At that moment I was infused with an opportunity available to many who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, but which comparatively few have accepted. It was a moment of choice, a turning point. I could continue to be among the "Unknowing", heading for certain and early death, or begin a second life, to be one with YOU--the minority of humans who are fortunate enough to be given another chance. I was allowed to live two complete and distinct lives in one lifetime. EVEN THOUGH I WANTED NO PART OF THIS DAMMMM'D AA CRAP!


It was very dark that Tuesday March 19th night (or so it seemed to me!) when I walked for the first time into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Naples, Florida. Being  fashionably five minutes late, I was thinking, "DUMB, Steve--look what you've done now. This is the bottom of the barrel--the stupidest move you have EVER made...you sooo must really be sick!"  My plan had been to sneak quietly into the room, sit, shake, and sweat (the three s's?) in the back, and figure out how to get out of this predicament.


All I needed was a few (the proverbial "Couple Drinks, Judge--tha's all I ever had". LOL!) drinks to get me back to normal. Remember...I had my last drink just 21 hours before. (Yes, I had a desire to stop drinking--but only until after this AA meeting!) Yes, I certainly was willing to do ANYTHING to have a better life--anything...except stop drinking!


That same night though, I somehow knew that I would never drink again. And my job at the time was...BARTENDER, 6 nights a week!  I did not know how sobriety for me could happen, because nothing before had worked. I did not know that I COULD "not drink" one day at a time!


Well, a fellow came walking fast, out from that meeting, almost fell down the few steps, out into the parking lot smiling (Ugh!) and said, "I'm Jim F...welcome." Then, no questions asked, he guided me first into the meeting room, quickly past everyone. I "unobtrusively" bumped into a couple fellows, "unobtrusively" spilled someone's coffee, fell across a couple chairs on the way to--guess where?--OUT the door at the other end of the room! I was 'in and out' of AA in one minute?--grin!


Outside, Jim herded me across a small courtyard into a smaller, very smoky, very crowded room, called the "Beginner's Room". How did they know? The topic of this meeting was Steps One, Two, and Three. Thank God, when I arrived, they were already on Step TWO! I thought, one-third of the meeting must be over! Because all I wanted to do was get out of there.


Nothing did I remember from that meeting, except what they all shouted at one another at the end-not to me, of course! "Don't drink" and "Come back next week." But do you know what? That's what I heard them say. And that's exactly what I did!

PLUS 37 YEARS:  THURSDAY MARCH 18, 2011

Please Note: This 37th year has been the most difficult of my sobriety. Every mistake of mine can be turned into an experience which can help others. Any strength I've discovered in asking God to help me deal with failures can one day be given to another. Any hope I conjured will be the hope I can transmit any time to one who is hopeless. Peeps, our program works! If you wish more specifics, write me: fiddlemn@gmail.com (I am an open book, but not in the public domain--grin!)


This I have learned:  that God makes use of other people in order to work with us--and He talks with us through others--and that's how God was working in my life, in 1974...and now. I write this as witness that a completely helpless, hopeless, powerless, very sick man, age 40, enslaved to the drug alcohol (and a few other well-known pharmaceutical products) was scooped up and delivered from alcoholic bondage, and made well again.

Finally, I thank God for giving me you people, and thank YOU for giving me God!

And right here right now, blogger friends--wonderful 'Peeps' you all are--have shown me SO MUCH about how to live, how to love, and how to be of service in many ways. You have even spoken to me in your silence. Within me a heart burns with a fire of love for God, all He has created, and you bloggers. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


In an Attitude of Gratitude, Service, and Love!
PEACE!
Steve E.

Shiv-v-ver Me Timbers

Cold as a bitch's butt out there this morning.
Had to ride my scooter anyway.
A fellow had completely blocked
my slightly used, well-cared-for
twelve-year-old Mazda truck.

I had engine trouble on the way.
Some strange and wild noises.
Pulled over to the roadside, turned
off the engine, and that clacking
sound continued on.

Turned out it was my chattering teeth
(Should have left them at home.)

What does this have to do with sobriety?
Ummmm...I was on my way to an AA meeting.
BRRrrrrrrrrrr!

 

ARCTIC Cold_Fingers_by_BenQue
in Deviant Art