Drinking Alcohol taught me how to fly
Then it took away the sky....

Saturday, June 18, 2011



Upon viewing recently found pictures from a lot of years ago, I recalled thinking at the time how terrible I looked. That prideful shame I felt for anyone to 'see' my image. This lasted most of my life.

How I wish now for those likenesses of an enthusiastic, carefree youth riding his first motorized bike were still me. Photos from days of college, symphony, and those crappy news photos alike, how I hated them. Today, how I wish I 'looked' like that again? NOT!

Not really! Nope, I do not really wish to be a teen—or a twenty-een—and die all over—again! Because so well I remember parts of all those years I needed to drug my brain with alcohol, just to feel 'normal', to enjoy myself, to be with others, etc.

Life is too good, too big, too great now. I'm truly looking forward with  joyful anticipation of each tomorrow. What wondrous meetings, what 'miracles' await, what happy moments—and sad—are lurking, hiding themselves in the next hour!

However, a poem did emerge from my thoughts the other day, and so I wrote the following to a friend:


This age of mine
I detest.
Cannot run
Breathe heavily doing steps
Forget names of people I know so well
Cannot remember even what day is now.

To frighten someone away, I need only
Send them my photo....

And my true loved one I feel to be
Maneuvering away from me.
It is so the same
No blame

Hurry, Reaper Grim
Rush. Bring to me
That darkness of
Forever night

I am here to welcome you
With enthusiasm of one
Who has waited so long...
One very tired
Of it

--Steve E



  1. All the very best to you my friend.

  2. Ageing is such a sore spot with me as well, having been on-stage half my life and the other half in front of a camera. These days I shudder at every wrinkle and middle-age spread. These past few years I've openly winked at and privately ired over male colleagues of mine overseas and fawning all over younger women whom I know for certain have been only using them for chump change, for tickets out of 'Dodge'.
    The problem is that I don't look bad for my middle-age yet have made myself blind to the fact in my misery to re-embrace those Cheryl Tiegs look-alike days, my friends telling me I actually look 10 years younger than my age equals.
    So what is it that makes us all so unhappy with our ageing parts like a finely ripened wine or vintage auto? Why can't we just accept the inevitable with joy and grace to live out our lives, not pining for death or mulling over the losses we've all suffered, but with big hearted joy? Like you, I've surmounted the insurmountable and lived to tell its gruesome tale.

    Regardless of shape and mass, we still have energy. Is that not true? Energy to thank God for a life spared to smell another day's rose, breathe the oxygenated air and count each and every borrowed blessing. Selah!

  3. He is an old friend of mine, this peep is.

    And then is when the word 'old' gets another meaning.
    Your nakedness starts in these dimensions of yours. You are, Steve, above and beyond that fourth one already.

    Life does not forgive- it's said here in Spain.
    It's a shame that as we get wiser we also get older. But I wouldn't like to have this wisdom and experience with the body of a top model... I'd probably feel really misarable.

    It's good not to get back to moments in our life, which, anyway would be exactly the same.

    What wasn't wasn't as what ain't ain't.
    Am glad you are who you are right now... with all those imperfections that aging brings to you to me to everyone.

  4. i know death and one day i will welcome him to a drink...but for now i have a life to live until i no longer breath...i would not change anything...

  5. Thinking of you, Steve....

  6. You are a spirit that is learning to be free from the earthly bindings. :)

    I am thinking of you and grateful for the journey you share, as it continues to show me the paths and the truths of life as we all live it seeking that connection we do, to the power that provided the experience in the first place :)

  7. Andrew:
    First one in! Thank you. One day you will know also, the beguiling charm of the "Fourth Quarter" of life's game--grin!!!
    Pax (PEACE!)

    Really kind of you to return, and then follow the next post also.

    Without knowing your age, I will say this: I'm a violin Player, age 78, still allowed by God to play gigs (no more symphony or ballet gigs, though) and next job is a wedding Monday evening on the beach at sunset, with a wonderful singer/pianist/organist and her son, also a singer. Gives great pleasure to me (and money!)..

    Yes, Pop was blind, and lived his past 25 years in a silent world of deafness. AH! Selah! Yes, I shall stop, look, and listen, for what God is giving NOW--this moment is eternity. Thank you for your interesting and astute comments.

  8. DULCE:
    Wow! Yours and the comment before this (Catfish Tales)
    are keepers for insertion into my 'special comment' file.
    See? I was fearful of writing what I really feel about age,
    and next day, all is well again. Thank you for writing
    this meaningful comment, which I sense is a bit of my own
    blog-posted words fired right back at myself!

    Your comment shows me again that I'm NOT the first Peep to dread this process of the end-game. When, in fact...in FACT—this whole lifetime is but the beginning of that eternal life.
    PEACE for you, Sweet friend!

    Your continuing wisdom I read and listen daily, and hear
    as well! Yes, I fail some moments now and then to realize
    that what we call death, is really BIRTH! Everything is
    as it should be in this day.
    Thank you!
    And God's Sweet Peace for you also!

    What a busy Peep you are! Enjoy life, girl. This is a wonderful place, where we are! Planet Earth
    with a Program!

    “You are a spirit that is learning to be free from the earthly bindings. :) "

    HOW did you know? (You didn't, but read on!) I've been living with the idea visiting monks
    for a 14 or 30-day visit into another world. SO guess what? I found a Trappist monastery,
    somewhere north of Char, SC. How about THAT?

    This is the first time I've let those words free from my brain!! We shall see. (Have no clue, how to do this—YET!) Maybe I should tell Anna?
    LOVE and PEACE!

  9. Perhaps the old one day at a time philosophy might come to play here. Just saying...also....happy fathers day my friend.

  10. Steve E,
    You always have a personal and kind word to everyone.
    I admire that concious and extrovert side of your nature.

    You also are a beautiful dandelion, a survivor.

    The poem made me sad, though. I once knew a man thinking like this.
    He said,"To us alcoholics it's not the death that scares, but enduring the time till death comes."
    I was nineteen when I heard it.

    Then I think of your testimony, how you love being alive, enjoying life with all your scenes.

    And I think of my "pal"Bob Dylan, "For I was so much older then, I'm younger then that now."
    From felisol

  11. It is a process that we all go through...some with grace - some screaming all the way. I would never want to be again who I once was. I'm liking this me I am, but resent the creaks and tight joints and lack of strength.

    You young guy! ODAT has become OHAT..it all goes by so quickly! Thanks for dropping in.

    Bob Dylan...yesss. "I was so much older then..." 1964. And yes, I'm much younger now--thanks for helping me SEE that!!!

    Did you realize Bob Dylan is 70 now? Can you BELIEVE that? Ahhh! SO young! PEACE!

    I can only agree with you, all the way--and I do not scream, even at dentist's office--grin! And I may have written this: NEVER want to go back!
    Thanks, woman!

  13. looking back at my life and choices, gives me mixed feelings, but i do believe i made them for reasons i may never fully understand. i'm okay with it. life is still good, and the next life may be even better. i'll let you know! ;)

    I LOVE that: "I'll let you know!"
    It is the SPIRIT of a good life, well-lived.

    You picked some real 'good-uns' this week (again!)....Thanks!

  15. What a great post and how true, when I think back to how I "thought" I looked it is never the way it comes forward...aging is not for those who are faint of heart, but so many things have changed for me in aging and all wonderful...much love to you!xoxo

  16. Ah, Steve, I can so relate to this poem. Ever since I lost my forensic nursing job of 21 years, three years ago in the budget cuts to public health, things seem to have gone down hill. My health is deteriorating, my income has plunged tremendously, and every day grows more difficult. My bones ache, I see more doctors, and take more medicine. I told Dr. Yan today that longevity is overrated and, at 66, I have no real desire to live to be 80. I hurt so badly at the age I am now, I can't imagine what it will be like in fifteen years! Of course, I'd like to go peacefully in my sleep, after a nice evening of jazz, a fabulous dinner with good
    friends, and a smile on my face.
    I'd add good sex in there...but I haven't had a romance in a long time.

  17. The grim reaper will come soon enough. Please don't invite him, my friend!