Drinking Alcohol taught me how to fly
Then it took away the sky....
Showing posts with label AA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AA. Show all posts

Friday, October 5, 2012

REGULARLY and OFTEN

Self Awareness   (Google Images) 


A reason for praying, meditating,
regularly and often:

To avoid being dragged
into miseries of Peeps
I meet and greet daily, 
I ask for awareness. 
Regularly. Often.

Higher Power has sent me
some few who are at
bottom of life's barrel.
Or so they believe,
or maybe perceive.

Need to review, renew and
refresh my attitude, my gratitude,
regularly and often...

...I ask for the gift of humility.
That virtue is alien to my nature.
One Peep I know is a 'living futility'
I try to make sure he sees, agrees,
that God works in him...not I,
as he climbs from pit of denial
to that place where he can 
look me in the eye
...and smile!

Another I watched with care
during an eight-month growth--
no psycho-doc, no counselor.
We climbed 12 steps together
(God held him close--tethered!)
from despair to breathe fresh air,
to live, laugh, and love more.
Placed self on
farthest shelf.

And occasionally I feel
not abused...
but so 'used'--
sneak away. In private, kneel.

Gratefully meditate.
Humbly pray.
Regularly.
Often.

Steve E  (aka steveroni)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

NOT IN VAIN


                        
It has not been in vain,
this training and teaching time...
time of suppression, repression, depression
is changed now into a time
of glorious expression.

--God Calling
(June 28, 2012)


YOSEMITE...AND THE WATER FLOW
LIKE OUR FLOWING LOVE--
NEVER REALLY CEASING

Above the photo, today's reading/meditation hit me right across the head. So often I feel guilt--no!--shame because of my own happiness. It's like, am I the only one who isn't full of negativity? (My perception tells me this.)

Even though I have obligations, they are MY responsibilities, my choices. I have the freedom to change them, to do or not.

Being bound to my own options in this life is just not the same as spending 40 or more hours each week at the behest of others. My work life began before age 10 on the farm, and lasted for 55 years. (Not all of them on the farm--grin!) Now I perform activities that--if they'd been 'requested' by authority--would have turned me quite far from enjoyment of life.

First, I am alcoholic. Second, I do not drink--for more than 38 years! You probably do NOT care for knowing how one IS an alcoholic, even after staying sober...so I won't expound on that now! Today, I practice 'being satisfied'. That helps me--to have no expectations of others (a few minutes of that is possible, now and then--grin!)

Doctor visit this morning ended my need for continuing liquid chemo on my face--I'm finally burnt to a crisp, took a 'before' photo moments ago. After 10+/- days of a special creme I will shoot another photo--'after'..and blog them. It may help someone to take more care of their skin when spending years in the sunshine--yeah...right!

--In a different 'vain', I said to doctor if she got rid of the ugliness, and kept the color, I'd be grateful.

Everyone I met this morning returned my Alien-like smiles, my face one big, bleeding bag of sores. And Peeps are just SO nice everywhere.

"God Calling" quote at top of post is my raison d'etre during this segment of my life. My training, learning how to live, is from a teacher named Alcoholics Anonymous. If I had not been a hopeless, helpless drunk, I'd never have allowed a Higher Power (God!) to lead me to AA. Does that connect with you? That I am forever grateful to God and AA? I was allowed to hit the bottom, the dregs of living. I'm truy grateful to BE a recovering Alcoholic!

I read, see, and trust many fellow Peeps in these blogs, and their words nurture me. I give support as well as receive it, through poetry, other writings, pictures, and "glorious expression". We share our experiences, strengths, and hopes here with any who would 'hear' or read.

Grace from God is continuing, never stopping. It just like "Where is all that water coming from?

My prayer is that all of us be allowed to continue these practices until God says, "YOU!  It's time now. C'mon along!"

PEACE, LOVE, and PRAISE!

--steveroni



Friday, May 18, 2012

TWO "FIRSTS"



LIFE ON THE FARM

In all the years of not drinking, I have told everything about myself to one or the other. Everything! Then, tonight at an AA meeting, the speaker told of an amateur band of which he was a member during his youth. Ah! Memories—here comes another.

As I think back, between my age of 7-11 (sounds like “Thank Heaven for...”!) a group of musicians drove out to our farmhouse four times a year, forming an orchestra, which played 'easy' classical music like Strauss Waltzes, popular opera tunes, and the three B's (Bach, Beethoven, Brahms).

I recall three doctors played violins, a dentist played trombone, Members of the Cincinnati Symphony orchestra played 'cello, Bass, and the tympanist directed these events.

Two realtors and several lawyers rounded out the group with my mother, pianist (she was really good, a conservatory Peep). I was so impressed with these Peeps, who obviously loved music so much, that they came to our house to rehearse. Always 'rehearse'...never played a concert, to my knowledge.

A few of the attractions were:

Obligatory keg of beer
Truckloads of food
Love of music
Large living-room
Camaraderie
Periodic escape from hardships
and horrible news of WWII...

Some of their wives and lady friends attended. My father—the farmer--told often, stories—sprinkled with humor--from his own life of sightless darkness. He was a popular guy in any group wherever he found himself...maybe because he lived with utter JOY in spite of his handicap.

My mother eventually thought I was 'ready for my debut' with the group, and so I got to sit in from that moment on. I was age 9.

These were my first orchestral experiences. I loved being accepted as part of a working group of adults.

It was my first experience with alcohol, and I also fell immediately in love with beer, but especially Brandy, Bourbon, and Benedictine, my three B's. These matched my other three favorite B's...Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms!

Peep if you are still here, you have just witnessed a turning-point in my life, musically and alcoholically. Seventy years later, the violin continues to be a great part of my life. Thirty years after that first binge, alcohol—my best friend--failed me, no longer supplied the relief I needed.

Alcoholics Anonymous has saved my life.
Music helps to save my soul.

--steveroni
May 19, 2012


Drawing: Google Images

Thursday, April 12, 2012

UP, UP AND AWAY....



       RIDING!


Leaving Friday morning on a 200-mile weekend ride to Tampa FL, for an AA Area Assembly. Hopefully I'll find time to read, comment, and blog with some of you wonderful Peeps.

Been missing you. Confession:  I've been a defector (Face book).

Life is full...and happy. Sobriety does not guarantee 'happy', but it helps!

Sobriety DOES guarantee JOY! No Matter What (NMW!).

Ride safe. Stay sober. And I will, too!

LOVE and PEACE!
Steve

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Another Day--Another Year

Ah! Another New Year's Eve...
then, 2012

It is a time for day-long Gratitude--
for the little things 
which are in reality  B I G  things.  

And for the big things, 
which tomorrow may appear as trivialities. 

First, I am grateful to the 
Creator of the Universe
for that Gift of Life
for all of Nature
and you and me...

Equally am I grateful to all
you Peeps who God uses
to speak to the rest of us...and me.

I've learned that no matter how far my mind wanders as I am praying, to not feel guilty, or that my praying is useless. Only God is capable of judging my prayer--or yours. So let us pray.

I've learned that:

"Every word, every image
used for God is a distortion
more than a description."



"Then how does one speak of God?"

"Through Silence."

"Why, then, do you speak in words?"

At that, the Master
laughed uproariously.
He said, "When I speak, you
mustn't listen to the words, my dear.
Listen to the Silence." 
--DeMello






I have learned that we in recovery 
must read our Big Book, 
and study the Steps, yes.

But more than that, to 'stay' sober:
I must DO the Steps, practice them,
and DO what I read in the Big Book!

My wish: that all who participate in 
these blogs in 2012, be 
as blessed by them as I.

PEACE!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

TRIP 1 (Pre-trip)

USS YORKTOWN CV-10

One for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready

Thursday we will drive to St Augustine FL, eat, attend a meeting, sleep, another meeting in morning, then drive to Charleston SC. And I am SO excited, really! Get to see one of my favorite “Fella-da-Peeps”, Jessie (that was Italian—grin!), and her husband, and several different rooms-full of members at meetings, and at breakfasts, dinners (restaurants!).

Beautiful city, lower humidity than Naples. I've been there (on my scooter!) Septembers of 2009 and 2010. Those experiences taught me this will be a FUN trip, of AA meetings, and meeting new Peeps. And of course, being with our friends. And all inspired by these blogs!

Jessie and S. have a load of crab feet—I mean crab legs--planned for Friday night after meeting on the outside cooker. It is a 'tradition' at their house to do a meeting-after-the-meeting every Friday where they live—with food! Maybe I'll bring a pound of butter, don't crabs always go good with butter? Now you know what a great 'cook' I am.

But I'm taking my own violin this time. The borrowed instrument last year left a little to be desired in quality, and other...but it was fun, at least for me!

Jessie can spend some time with us Sat and Sun, so I'm saving one of the following week-days to tour the WWII aircraft carrier pictured above. (Unless that interests Jess??) That's another thrill for me, as I only saw it in movie theater newsreels, as it was under attack by planes with circles on their wing—the Rising Sun. In early 1941-45 who could ever foresee that one day we'd be taking our vacation in a Toyota RAV4?

And yes, it is still a crazy world. That might be another post's topic.

For now, I can easily predict spiritual holidays ahead for us, even serene—grin! And yes, I know “God does not change flat tires, OR drive cars!” But He does everything else, if we let Him, and cooperate with Him...so I've been told!

Those of you who are Alcoholics, stay sober with us, and a prayer won't hurt—as we pray for y'all also. (Gotta get used to talkin' 'southun'! Pronounced “suh-thun”--grin!)

We also plan to visit North Carolina, then zip back for a couple days to St. Augustine Florida (more AA blog-friends there) before returning home October 25—then leave again October 28 for 3 days.

Who said old, retired Peeps don't have fun? (It's just that we take siestas in between!)
Bless you, all you blog friends.
Love, and PEACE!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

A COMMENT

Saturday morning I am driving to Central Florida to visit my daughter. She is moving several thousand miles away, and I may not see her again. This is a wonderful moment for me, to give my blessing to my daughter, to bless her choice of a new life, and new “Way of Life”!  Be back Monday....




A BROKEN MAN


The following I wrote as a comment early this morning to one who stated on her blog that “...once a human is 'broken' they can never be 'fixed'.” I could not resist publishing my comment here:

Dear XXXXXXX

I do not believe any broken person is beyond repair. My own life is my example--and my proof. 38 years ago (age 40) my life was over.

If my drinking did not kill me soon, I had planned to drive into a bridge abutment at high speed. (A policeman told me that is the easiest, least painful way to die.) Today, every time I drive past that bridge I smile, thinking back what I would have missed: A wonderful, mostly happy, sober life of freedom these last 37 years. (And there are no left-over, reminder bloody spots on that bridge support.)

I was completely broken, and have been 'fixed' by a Higher Power (God) Who brought me into Alcoholics Anonymous, and a new way of life! How can I not be grateful enough to spread this healing word just as I lived it?

Thank you for understanding why I did not give up--all because I DID surrender.

NOTE: “The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.”
--Jean Cocteau

PEACE!

IMAGE:  a_broken_man_by_NuclearSeasons
in Deviant Art 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

NOT A POEM! WELL, MAYBE...

NO TIME FOR PICTURES

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Why am I usually 'happy'?
why do I enjoy LIFE?
why do I feel at peace?
what frees me from
unnecessary stress?

How come I was 
gifted sobriety?
please...was not  
'will power', friends!
shhhhhh! Whisper...
(how do I stay sober?
grace of God, plus A.A.)



where I
walk, ride,
work, reside--
dead-end or
free-way?

freedom from Bondage of Self,
they say.
keeps me off dusty shelf
they say.

does not mean I'm unselfish...NO!
freedom from attachment
freedom from needing...wanting
freedom from Ego. Flaunting
talents not the game
daily assignments daunting
yet all the same.

living life on life's terms...”
acceptance with open arms

thinking not less of self
but thinking of self less

clinches this deal:
living not lifeless stress
but living stress-less life
just me and my wife...

--steveroni

Monday, July 18, 2011

A WEEKEND



WEEKEND

In the hallway, I met a grown man crying—sobbing is the better word.

Allow me to elucidate. We just spent a few days in Miami, Florida (US), a place where many come to live before they move somewhere else, because of the many--just too many--Peeps who did NOT move somewhere else. It was a conference of Area 15 of Alcoholics Anonymous Districts which we attended.

There were just under 600 sober Alcoholic Peeps meeting,  greeting, carrying on some service business, listening, learning, and having also a good time, by the way—grin!

Cascades of water seemed everywhere inside and out. Water was falling everywhere also in the jungle-like, partly shaded swimming areas—you know the kind, same old, same old. But each was a miniature Niagara and each, in the shining sun so splashingly gorgeous!

Beautiful hotel...GREAT hamburgers, I mean that! (Seems such a shame to visit a Five-Star Hotel, and order hamburger, the only item under $22.) Oh well, the accommodations—luxurious!

Those B I G jet airplanes taking off from Miami International are numerous in a given day. The runway facing our direction sends those giant Jets out over the Atlantic, about every two minutes. Beautiful, especially with all those lights at night, they fly so low here until that great surge of power zooms them upward and outward over the moon-drenched sea.

Oddly enough, the rooms here are marvelously soundproofed. It has been an exceptionally interesting weekend for me. The 'main' meeting was from 9 AM-3 PM Sunday. We drove across the state to our home in Naples late Sunday afternoon, a two-hour trip. It is always a fun experience to escape the routine life.

Oh yes...that man crying outside our room—he was not one of our 600 Peeps—was deeply saddened by the fact that this fancy schmantzy hotel charges $13 per day for WI-FI. He claimed that rate is nearly (with tax) $5000 annually. So he is lived for three days without Internet access. Boo-Hoo! TELL me about it—grin!

Each of us Peeps have our own demons. I will not tell you mine, but I'll give you three guesses...and you will probably be correct no matter HOW you score! (No, I have not robbed a bank. That is one of my “yets”. It has not YET happened! And likely will not!)

What a wonderful, peaceful, interesting, busy yet serene, few days away! And it was spent with hundreds of Peeps who do not deem it necessary to DRUG themselves in order to have a great time together--WHO would have dreamed that I could be one of them?

PEACE!

Lagniappe:
A special EMPATHY I have for those bartenders who work in a 5-Star Hotel during a convention of 600 Alcoholics—who DON'T DRINK!!! (Or should I call them “Adult-Beverage” Dispensers?)


IMAGE: Google Images

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

ALONE--IN A CROWD...A DIMENSIONAL



ALONE AND LONELY

Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.”
--“Alcoholics Anonymous”, pg 152 

  
As a child I felt so alone, yet I was surrounded with Peeps, a brother, two sisters, lots of 'family' friends, and hired live-in farmhands. One who did not fit in during early school years—me. I was really the country bumpkin who—at age six--had never heard of a baseball game. The result of my 'feelings' (which are not always 'facts'--grin!) was isolation of myself from others. I rather enjoyed being the loner.

Note: Actually, I always had a girlfriend, beginning age five, but I wanted to be accepted by the boys, or as they called themselves, “men”...I mean, age 6 is too young to 'go steady'. So, isolate I did. On the outside I became Mr Friendly, but inside—where it counts—I hid my heart, my soul, my self.

This wishfully-granted loneliness expressed itself in many ways, over the course of many years. Just one short example:

I recall about the year 1954, sitting as a violinist, surrounded by 124 other musicians. I was a member of Cincinnati Symphony orchestra. After the finale of a Brahms symphony, nearly 2,300 Peeps stood, applauding and shouting. As the orchestra--and I--took a bow, I felt those salty tears streaming down my cheeks...tears of fear, loneliness, utter despair. It seemed as if the whole world was happy except me. And that was a direct result of my behaviors, just the “way I was”. Being unhappy and depressed was my destiny—or so I decided.

Of course, through all those years I was not falling-down-drunk every minute. I was sober several times each day, only to easily fall back on my crutch, alcohol. It made me feel like I was “Somebody”, ya know?

My character traits, poor choices, unrealistic view of life, my insane behaviors were the “isms” of “alcohol-ism”. Alcohol just neatly covered them from MY sight, not from others. SO...when I stopped using the drug, I was left with those 'shortcomings', and could not deal with life—without my crutch, alcohol. Hence, Alcoholics Anonymous, where I could observe others like me, and see what they did, to “STAY” sober.

So now, having been sober for many years, why do I continue to go to AA meetings...like—am I going to throw it all away, and drink? Well...

“...The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.” --Jean Cocteau


'Nuff said for now about my drinking “career”...does anyone but an alcoholic talk about his drinking-life as a “career”?--grin!!!

Lonely and Alone, no more...
PEACE!
Steve E

Monday, June 27, 2011

A PERSPECTIVE


THINKING...NOT DRINKING
I LOOK AT ME


"My best thinking is what brought me here”, is what some members of Alcoholics Anonymous say in a semi-humorous fashion. Actually, the disease “alcoholism” is more one of 'thinking', than 'drinking'. Once I stopped drinking, booze was not my problem.



I did not realize that my drinking was what it was, merely a symptom of that 'thinking' illness, alcoholism. So tonight, I'm 'thinking', not about drinking, but about THINKING. In doing so, I substituted the word 'drinking' with 'thinking'. Let's find out how that works:



I think, because it makes me 'feel good'.

My thinking makes me more sociable.

Thinking erases all my mistakes.

My thinking makes everything “OK”.

When NOT thinking, I am Restless, Irritable, and Discontent.

My thinking makes me believe people LOVE me.

Thinking got me drunk.

I got morning hangovers when I 'thought' too much.

Thinking landed me in jail.

Thinking caused my divorce.

Because of too much thinking, I lost my

Boat,

Car,

House,

Wife,

Children,

Health,

And eight Job(s).



Most of these consequences—exception, jail-- occurred as a result of--or after I stopped—drinking.


So...to get better, to grow spiritually, to rid me of alcoholic insanity, I needed help: AA, a Higher Power (could be God? Hmmm!), a set of Steps to work on (a way to live without 'drugs'). A COMPLETE CHANGE in my thinking, attitude, behavior, my very outlook about life was/IS absolutely necessary.



NOTE: Alcoholic 'insanity' means doing over and over what I used to do, expecting other, better results.



NOTE #2: I'm a slow learner....



PEACE!


IMAGE: Anonymous. If an artist 
recognizes this work, please write

Friday, June 24, 2011

EXPERIENTIALLY KNOWING


IT TAKES TWO—OR MORE

A spark of energy bursts at the meeting of two people with like-minds. For example, as one alcoholic communicates with another, there is a common bond of “You 'know' me—I 'know' you.”

However, there is that requisite: it takes two or more which communicate for this spark to occur. Two prison inmates or two professors, bricklayers, attorneys, priests, artists, teachers, airline pilots...

Every discipline characteristically utilizes a language all its own. My profession is music which, by its nature, IS an audible language. Strange notations and signs translate—by the hands of a skilled musician—into sound-messages, which have power to stir emotions in all who 'feel' and/or 'hear'. (My father while deaf-blind, enjoyed putting his hand on my violin and 'hearing' the vibrations.) And, the discipline--this art, music--has its particular spoken language also.

When conversing with another of the same vocation, a certain feeling of camaraderie ensues—almost spiritual in nature. It is communing of two Peeps who studied and worked long and hard to achieve proficiency in their art.

Couple nights ago in FaceBook chat I met Kimberly, a violinist-blogger-Peep. We 'talked' music, symphony playing, auditions, practicing, teaching, etc. It is the first time I have enjoyed that special familiarity of mutual understanding, of being on the same musical wave length—through this blog-world.

During a “first conversation” with any working musician, I sense a similarity of that particular 'moment' when I first meet another recovering alcoholic. In the case of the alcoholic, the two of us experience instant comprehension of a past commonality. From helplessness and hopelessness, to rescue and recovery, we each found a way of living a happy life without booze or drugs.

Back to music and musicians: click on Kimberly and you will meet an enthusiastic blogger, and a true musician in every sense!

This morning I visited with a very talented man I used to play jobs with: flute trios, duets, in churches, banquet rooms and symphony halls. He is elderly. We talked of our years as soldiers in the symphonic armies, and of our musical lives today. I had been gently urged, brain-tugged, to ride to his home. A widower for several years, I found him lonely, and not very well. We discussed techniques of bowing, vibrato, teaching, tone production...all in a language many would find foreign. One more opportunity for me to experience true joy in that spiritual warmth of 'knowing' another Peep, almost with the closeness of former battle comrades. 

As I sit here and wonder, pondering these things in the wee hours, I gaze past the laptop at my “gallery wall” of paintings and drawings from Blog-Peeps, and thank God for His kindness to unworthy me. Why was I chosen to be so blessed? Blessed with sobriety, with amazing Peep-friends: artists, writers, poets, musicians and Sober Peeps? I will not question, but simply and silently revel in this life which is (gratefully) so BIG!

Love and PEACE!

Illo:
design_for_cover_by_ayhe-d3iwvs8
DEVIANT ART


Friday, June 10, 2011

CELEBRATION DIMENSION

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

Yesterday, June 10th Alcoholics Anonymous celebrated it's 76th year. Two men, Bill W. and Bob S. met in an estate gatehouse in Akron Ohio. A 'planned' 15-minutes turned into a nearly half dozen hours. From that meeting was discovered that 'Higher-Power-God-triggered-spark' of addiction healing which likely begins with two willing souls in face-to-face sharing . These TWO evolved to more than today's two-million-plus sober members and 107,000 registered groups worldwide. Thank You Creator God, from all us sober Peeps, rescued from the chaos of desperation, a state of helplessness and hopelessness.

Open House was held at our Naples Intergroup. I was one of the 'hosts', to show peeps around (2 rooms—grin!) and eat OMG-Good-cake!

Saturday, we have a largerread 'longer'- celebration. More Peeps, and all-day shows, contests, historical stuff, capped by a dinner, speaker meeting, and dancing. Well, it's not EVERY day an organization turns age 76. I was already age 2--yes the 'terrible' twos, that was me! No, I was not yet a member of Alcoholics Anonymous--grin! But I was surrounded by farmer-Peeps who SHOULD have been.

Today I am grateful for God's Gifts; sobriety, health, family, special blog-friends, summer (yes!), artists and poets, animal-friends, seasonal and personal change, ability to live and to love.
PEACE!

Monday, June 6, 2011

DIMENSION OF OBLIVION



ONE ALCOHOLIC TALKS TO ANOTHER

At the risk of sounding my usual pompous self I relate this short story:

5 AM...Monday morning. The last thing I desired was to 'rise-and-shine', greet the new day, the new week. So I set my sights on a 7 AM meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Figured I could fall asleep while some of the old-timers bloviated. Outside the 24-Hour Club were standing nearly 100 Peeps, all talking, shouting, laughing—SOBER!

This scenario often appears when I least feel like it: in the midst of the cacophony stood a solitary fellow, who had obviously spent the past few weeks/years living in the Everglades 'woods' (means: HOMELESS!). He looked terribly 'uncouth', ya KNOW what I'm sayin'--and claimed he stayed sober for 2 years...TEN YEARS AGO...and knew me from AA meetings then. He has been homeless for 8 years.

He refused to introduce himself as a returning Peep, also did not wish to go into the 'Beginners' room. So we stayed put. As a topic unfolded, (“What are YOU doing to help others stay sober?”) I whispered to him, “We're OUTTA here”, as I scurried him over to the 'newbie' meeting.

And we ran right into a discussion of Step 3. “Made a decision to turn our life and will over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Guess who--out of a room of 25 Peeps—was called on to 'share'. MY PEEP!!! So he DID get his 'Baptism under fire', so to speak.

Later, outside, we talked about several who said they had “relapsed”. To me, if a sober alcoholic drinks again it is not a “relapse”. It is, that the Peep MADE A DECISION to drink. Call it what it IS. “Relapse” is when a cancer returns after 6 years of cancer-free. My opinion, Peeps.

Oh, one more thing, a painter-friend--after the meeting--gave my new man a job for the day, painting! I could see God working all over the place Monday morning.

My schedule for Tuesday morning...you guessed it! Up at 5 AM, meeting at 7 AM. (Now—GO TO BED, Steve!)

  
NOTE:
"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." - Robert Louis Stevenson

Saturday, June 4, 2011

A BORING POST?


antimatter partner of the helium nucleus: 
antihelium-4--discovered 2011


RANT--A DIMENSION OF STEVE

Six hundred years ago (c.1411) I might have been the same Peep as today, riding my scooter-quasi-motorcycle (sans motor!) up and down the alleyways of town. Destination today--grandson's house, where we'd spend an hour studying and practicing the art of violin playing. He is age 12. As I roared into his driveway, he remarked that I reminded him of a European troubadour many years before—yesss, he can even spell that word!--with all the stuff, music, stand, violin, metronome, tuner loaded on top my bike. Without the 'roar'!

Okay. But this post is not about that:

Sitting number eleven in a row of vehicles I noticed the red light changed to green. I waited...waited, and not even the first car had pulled away from 'stop' yet. WHAT are they waiting for? The Rapture? So then, one-by-one, the Peeps in front of me waited for the car or truck in front of them to move forward about 20 yards (18 meters) before they, too, began to move (pitifully slow) ahead.

Ah, finally! MY turn to go. You've already guessed it—the light turned RED! Another 3 minutes of waiting. Grrrrr! (And this happens all the time.) Fortunately on my scooter--usually--I can slither in, out, and between, those daydreaming Peeps with cellphones at their ears. Whew!  
 End of Rant

At that precise moment my 'program' kicked in: this is an  opportunity for me to be quiet, practice patience and tolerance—maybe meditate a moment on the wonder of That Love which inspired Creation of all things between a speck of Antihelium-4 and Andromeda. And be grateful for my special gift of Sobriety.

And...for the remainder of this day, from task to task, exactly what was supposed to happen—happened. One more day sober, an AA meeting, and a few other personal matters, dealing with ISP Comcast (Internet Service Provider), and most important, serenity happened. And it hung around ALL day. Another meeting (speaker) tonight.

By the way...“D”, my violin student, showed real progress since a week ago. I'm so proud of this smart kid. If NOTHING else comes of his music lessons, he will one day be able to greet a violinist, and 'know' what that Peep had to go through, in the beginning. And...he might even enjoy a Beethoven symphony another day long away, with HIS child/Grandson.

God is Good. As Jessie often passionately exclaims: YAY GOD!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

ONENESS: ADVENTURE AND DIMENSION



RIDING: HOW TO STAY OUT OF THE RAIN

On the highways and during a downpour, have you ever noticed a group of bikers stopped, congregated, in the dryness under one of the overpasses? Chances are--and experience has shown me--that they are not group-riding, but separately sought shelter. The most wonderful feeling of comradeship happens. Immediate connections are made, experiences traded, drinks shared. Introductions not necessary. Spirituality occurs as a separate person among us. This is true. I have felt it. Many times.

On my Suzuki scooter I have traveled to spur-of-the-moment, randomly chosen AA meetings from Naples Florida to Virginia (twice) and I must tell you this. The moment I walk into a meeting room (actually before that, outside among the smoking crowd). although a stranger, I've been greeted as an old friend who has simply been away for a few years. (Not unlike those rain-caused 'mini-biker-conventions' of between 4-11 participants.)

GETTING TO KNOW YOU...(GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU!)

The questions "Where ya from? Oh, I've been there. Do you know Jake M?....etc". Thoughts are triggered, and traded are some brief descriptions of past drunken exploits, how we drank so many years, to oblivion, the massive amount of hurt we generated, causing disruption of SO many lives, families.

A strange biker--a BIG fellow, I think that was his real name, "Big Guy"-grin!--related to the rest of us, in a quiet voice with only the pouring rain as background music. "I remember looks on the faces of my children, as they gazed into the face of their father, looking seeking, needing some sign of love. Staring back at them through eyes as empty as a clean blackboard, as if I did not even know who they were-- Daddy. Me."

DIMENSIONAL

Imagine, in one of the groups, seven single, lone riders, three (Two + me!) were recovering from their addictions, their disease, in AA! I simply looked up at an imaginary image of a Higher Power, gratefully pondering the awesomeness of these occasions. Finding myself wet, but happy, smiling, safe under the bridges at least 18 times, convinced me more than anything else that--aside from slight variants--we are all the same. We ARE all somehow connected.

The point here is my discovery so late in life--the almost unbelievable acceptance by strangers everywhere, in a market, a theater, a parade, the beach, a park, a church--oh, wait...not the church I'm remembering....

CONTRASTING VENUE

It is sad for me to report that in churches (I enjoy visiting churches--and cemeteries--on the road), especially catholic churches, I feel no real true welcome. It is as if they leave it up to God to say, "Howdy stranger, come in and make yourself at home!" The one place I would EXPECT to be received with pleasure and hospitality--is the one place I am denied it. I am these years an outgoing person, I show love and acceptance in my eyes, even I can see it! And what happens? Well, it seems to me, almost a rejection. 2.000 people in the congregation, and not one asked a biker-visitor questions like, "Are you hungry? Thirsty? Cold? Tired?

Opposite that, out on the road, Peeps (strangers, bikers, new friends at meetings) often have asked me if I have a place to sleep, and I am offered that and more. Go figure.

REFORMATTING THE MEANING OF SPIRITUALITY--FOR ME

I am coming to believe that it is not necessarily holding tight to a prayer book, sweating to remember the words, avoiding the 'meaning', looking up at the ceiling of a cathedral, saying, "I believe, I believe! Hallelujah!"

The 'action' now for me is happening down in the street with the Peeps, working with drunks, the disabled, others overwhelmed by life. Somewhat shamefully (because I was not raised this way), I admit to feeling closer to God when spending hours in an art museum; riding my bike (speed limit, of course--grin!); sitting under a bridge in the rain; surrounded by Peeps who moments ago were strangers; and trying to 'work' these AA Steps in my life--now failing, now correcting, now making amends, now living, now loving, now helping, now praying, now meditating

ALWAYS I must remember that each of us: drunk, addict (male or female), by whatever name...was never really alone. Some of us have left an as-yet-uncounted number of people in our wakes--disillusioned, tired, untrusting, sometimes in that indescribable terror we could produce. There have been betrayals, lies, lies and more lies. Sometimes the one living with an drunk becomes more sick than the alcoholic, because the alkie has a drug to temporarily console him, while the partner frequently does not.

....well, that's about enough of this series of dimensional discussion from ME! If you read this far, you might agree.


On my scooter trip August 2010 (my second trip!), the camaraderie of the biking community was not a surprise, but rather a comforting feeling. Being an old guy out there on the road at dark midnight on two wheels, climbing a mountain in western Virginia alone was never scary--until I had inadvertently (yeah, right--grin!) cut in front of a pickup truck, with oversize wheels, and those Christmas decorations on top the cab--OK, so they are 'hunting lights', so what! Anyway, the driver tried his best to run me down. Well it WAS scary (I lied!) until I made a fast U-turn across the Interstate median (in the dark, right?)...I went south. He/she went north. Whew!

So it is at times lonely.

Monday, March 7, 2011

ONE-PLUS-ONE: A DIMENSION

A MONDAY HAPPENING


I would not post this day's happening, if it did not almost bring me to anger-- I am guilty of everything else...but not anger!


This happened Monday March 7, 2011.

It is 7 AM Monday. 80-100 people are standing out in the morning's coolness, laughing, telling stories, friendly shouts all about. Small groups of recovering alcoholics sound as if they were leaving the Do-Drop-Inn at 3  AM. Normal sounds, as I happily (really!) ride up on my scooter. After parking--I call it 'docking'--I look around the 24-Hour Club to greet any special friends. And the following happens just too often:

I spotted a new guy about age 50, ultra thin--like the cigarettes he chain smokes. He is shaking, a bit unkempt (OK...a LOT unkempt!), scared, alone. As I shook his hand (sticky!), our conversation very nearly went like this......

ME:  "I'm Steve, I'm an alcoholic! Are you new at this meeting?"

HE:  "I'm Joe, I'm an alcoholic, too. This is my first AA meeting ever."

How long you been standing here?

'Bout 15 minutes.

Has anybody said anything to you?

Nope. Only you.

Let's talk.

OK. First, where's the bathroom?
Follow me, Joe...when you come out, I'll be waiting here.

(Note: nearly 100 people drinking coffee, eating pastry,
milling about, while Joe stood there among them, shaking, trembling, obviously ill. Nobody even said "Hello!" Yet, the Primary Purpose of an AA group is to help the alcoholic who is still suffering.

This would have pissed me, except that I felt my heart soften for this man. I decided to concentrate on him.)

Back to story:
 
Joe walked right behind me like would a sick puppy dog.
We took a couple chairs in the beginners' meeting. Joe, about age 50, could hardly walk. 
 
When one of us says "I'm Steve, I'm an alcoholic", and the other reveals himself, instant friendship arises. There occurs a certain trust and understanding between any two Peeps with a like illness--cancer, back injury, etc.

Neither of us would go to hell. We'd already been there.

During the meeting--these words from my new pigeon:
 
"My name is Joe, I'm a alcoholic. I been tryin' for years
to get sober, but I keep fallin' into that same rut--that pit.

I'll just go into the bar for one or two. Next thing I barely know, it is one or two in the morning, I'm so drunk I can't walk.

Joe continued: "I know now I can't do this by myself.
I've got to have help. I'm asking for help, please."

Joe has called me twice so far today, and we will meet in the morning before the 7 AM meeting. And, HEY, people! I did not become angry. I suddenly realized that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. He sent me a drunk to help...on a day I really, REALLY needed one. Thank You, God!