Drinking Alcohol taught me how to fly
Then it took away the sky....

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Tonight I went to a 'Speaker' meeting.
This is a true account of that meeting.
I left out loads of good stuff, too hot to publish here

The speaker's eyes sparkled,
her smile forced response
and she teared only a tad.
During the girl's talk a love-scent exuded from her very pores.
Its transpiration invaded the room like a moving, billowing cloud.

By the end of the meeting, 
love filled every space in that place

She told of her first pre-kindergarten feelings of inadequacy.
Always alone, playmates ignored, even at age 4.
She was considered 'dumb' because she did not like to read
those "stupid story books with stupid pictures."

Next she spoke of her disease, alcoholism:
(Hey, I'll let her tell her OWN story!)   

"I was never a 'part of' anything.
OK, yes, I was Captain of soccer team,
Captain of Cheer-leading squad
But THEY were over there.
And I, over here, was alone.

I felt never EVER 'good enough' never 'accepted'
as if people purposely kept me 'out of' the group,
sort of like ostracized.

My first alcoholic drink consisted of several glassfuls
of vodka-plus-orange juice, and produced a total blackout.
Vomit was all over my pajamas and my bed...and the floor.
I don't remember a thing, except I wanted to do it again!
From that time on, I only drank to get drunk.

I puked a lot during my teens, and I did everything
which a 'nice' girl would not, could not do.

I was the best dancer (kept falling down),
best daughter (my parents never even guessed)
best lover ( all were disasters),
best dresser (I did not dress-to-kill...I dressed to get messed),
best student (I could not read--so failed most everything).

Alcohol made me 'feel good'.
When not drinking, I was restless, irritable and discontented.
Just a few drinks, and I experienced again
that so-desired sense of ease and comfort

My craved-for feelings
of being prettier, thinner, better dressed, smarter, 'cool'...
Increased my physical craving for alcohol.

The 'mental' part--the obsession--well, I ALWAYS had to have more. 

Finally I got into the habit of driving drunk and often wondered,
"How did I get home last night?"

One time I was moving away from the home of my first husband
(I always called him a 'schmuck' because he WAS!) and I woke up thinking that I had all this packing to do.

The house was full of boxes carefully labeled "Dishes", "Linens", "computer", etc. Somehow, in a blackout, I had done the best ever prep job for moving.

Arrested and jailed for drunk driving--third time--was the catalyst for bringing me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. The AA program, the support, the meetings, the 'coffee-and-breakfast' after meetings...all have saved my life. 

I am working hard, our Twelve Steps. Go to a meeting almost every day, talk with my sponsor a lot! I am now age 27, been sober almost 3 years, and have nothing but LOVE for you people, and AA.

And I am learning to READ!!!
Also I love SO much my fiancee sitting here in the front row, I would never have met him, never could have been so happy, so free as now, were it not for that last DUI which sent me here. Thank you, all you people for being here tonight!"


As this meeting ended, an understanding
love filled every space in that place.
--Steve E

Thursday, January 27, 2011


 The following is inspired by TESS KINCAID'S
Blog post at WILLOW MANOR

Rear door to bell tower, north side 
of St Chad's Church (11th Century),
Poulton-le-Fylde, Lancashire in the UK.

"You RANG?"

Press my button
Ring my bell
Come and drink Thee from the
Coolness of my well.

Satisfied, sated, smiling
Again on your way?
Beguiled that you stopped by
I pray you...stay            

Was it not you rang the bell?
Please pause, rest on a pillow, in
This Manor of wispery, whispering

 Flash Friday is at G-Man's Manor/Lair 

NOTE: I realize there is no bell, However I could not resist using this beautiful door as my photo. Do not know the credit, but it is from Deviant Art:

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


House, in such darkness,
The kind which in time you'd see
Ever so few, ever so slightly
Outlines of form
In dank and dark dorm
My body was so worn
Spirit completely torn
And there was me
On the floor. Yes, I'd be
Trying to grab onto...anything

Room spinning
Alcohol winning
It was that last drink
Don'tcha just know...

All right--the FIRST drink!
Without which there could not BE
A 'next' one or a 'last'...then,
Way too late for me to see
Rising up to meet me--the floor
Head on
Dead on

Oh! How I tried
And how cried
but tried once more

to keep myself level
feet even with head
climbed onto unmade bed
Keeping eyes blinking
Willing them stay open

Room going round and round
Me, listening for any sound
Water somewhere dripping, leaking
voices hushed, softly speaking

"Here's one, still breathing.
Barely alive...seething.
He almost escaped the planet"

Using a needle, they sent me
On a physical and mental journey
Of pleasantness"
What ever had happened?
That long time ago when
Life went round the bend
Had climbed aboard the Merry-Go-Round.
I was on, could not get off!
Organ grinding, still hear the sound
Endless sound--YEARS! Round and round
More and more, around and fast
Wondered how long my bottle would last
Recalled those short shots of my past
And a prayer of mine, so old
Escaped my heart--to my brain (so bold?)

My God, please
Oh, let me be
One who cannot see
Anything, any more
Except what's in front of me.

--Steve E

in Deviant Art

Monday, January 24, 2011


Photo is by "me"--one of those homes which never was finished
Just like the author of this blog--grin!

 Once again I walk alone, where butterflies flutter by
On that mountain path towering over the sea.

Looking for what is no more there
Except sea, sky, and me,
Just we alone...do the math.
We alone? NO! We three.

Fluttered away are attachments
What is left after--so named
By Peeps, me and Thee....

--Steve E
This is a Friday flash '55' 
Today is Monday
Am I early...or late? 
Visit G-Man and find out. Maybe!

Saturday, January 22, 2011



While I am dying
I'll be crying
No salt in those tears
Only cleansing water

A life lost
A corpse tossed
Flashing thoughts
Of what could never be

Often I hear say
That yesterday
Is gone away
Never to return

Darling, my past
With you will last
Forever in God's
Own Eternity

Oh how? Oh! Why
Does this love which I
Keep so close to me
In this deepest heart-part
Seek me. Only to find
That we are of one kind
Alike, in nature and mind.
Would be forever entwined?

If nothing ever I earn
Please, let me burn
In the very hell
About which you'd warned

Please--you go on to heaven
Where you more than belong
And let me go to hell
Singing my last--forever--lost song.

--steve E


Thursday, January 20, 2011


"Many invested minutes/hours of dreamlike thought
are wasteful, wasted by not doing what I ought".
--Steve E

Thinking about it, even writing about it
Steals hours from my wakened day
Procrastination is my way
Of following not where I am led.
This whole poem is about
What another wisely has said...

Why oh why, can I not just get on with it, do it?
How simple would be to just get right to it
Fascination usually my way
In happy playground. My mind
To elsewhere go, do, instead of stay
And begin this job well--or at least pursue it

With most facets of my life I deal
Later, tomorrow, or even after that.
When morning's sun has risen, it seems
I have done very little else but sat

That today, tomorrow, or even next
(sigh! I am so totally vexed)
I should do what need be done
Though according to my will that's none
I'll do as my visitor so wisely said

Make up bed--with clean linen: 6 minutes
Write about it--37 minutes
Think about it--39 seconds
Enjoy the day--TIMELESS

Don't have TIME to make a bed
I'm busy 'thinking' about those
yet undiscovered DIMENSIONS

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Only a few times each year water temperature of the 
Gulf of Mexico in Naples area is lower than 'normal'. 
The air above it is considerably warmer.
This creates--given certain other conditions--
a fast-rolling fog from the Gulf, which spreads inland 
in a fiercely threatening manner.

Once the fog is discovered 'out there',
it comes rolling in almost wildly,
silently blanketing the city within a few minutes.

This weather phenomenon turns afternoon bright into night, slowing traffic.
Lights appear everywhere. Some believe it is 'day-of-doom' upon us,
Lasting several hours,
Lifting when it is ready.
It seems driven by an intelligence which decides, and commands
"OK, let's move on out, Peeps!"

Today I was there as it happened. Tourists stopped in their path,
wondering aloud what is occurring. Other people appeared as non-humans,
walking suddenly slowly. It was as if time was crawling to a stop.
I experienced all this, with my own thought--of a blog possibility:

Of course, it looked like we were
living in another dimension
(maybe the fourth--grin?).
Spiritual were those minutes, that even leashed puppies feared.
Horses reared. It felt like either the end of something, or a begin.

And I saw in this somehow that Higher Power of which we speak.
The cloud by itself--powerless--fog being nothing more than wetness.
But it was felt. A force, a power which, as it fingered its way through
and among the people, each was touched--in whatever way.

The clouded shroud is expected to last through this night until 10 AM Wednesday. But the circumstances of which I have written
have now evolved into a familiar garden-variety fog

It is difficult to describe the wonderment of it all, as I observed nature
in one of its episodic moments, and response of we the people.

In all its countless dimensions, life IS good!

5 Cranes_in_the_Fog_by_juddpatterson

Monday, January 17, 2011



At eleven we met, walked the beach
Talked to seabirds, my grandson and me
Ate turkey and chicken, bought a newspaper
Checked the cinema, he chose "TRUE GRIT"
My grandson...not me...
We laughed, enjoyed together--man and boy
My grandson, age twelve, six times that--me

After gritting---I mean TRUE GRIT, where else?
A Greek Ice Cream parlor. After dripping Butter Pecan  over both me and grandson...we finished with Turkish Baklava, his 'first time'
Ummmm. Good!
Not me, but Grandson suggested future day together might include
Museum--art or history. He likes to read name of painter/artist and
Discover who they are. REALLY who are they? Not just names, he tells me,
but PEOPLE! I say 'Peeps'. He IS different, this grandchild.

After...we go to his home. Out comes his violin, I break out mine.
We play some duets together, simple pieces. He is only playing nine weeks!
It is fun. It is GOOD. Grandpa and Grandson. Violinists!
I am thrilled!

He asked me about Alcoholics Anonymous--he's only twelve!
I tell him what I know, that without the Twelve Steps of AA
He and I would never have been together this day.
And I cannot describe my feelings, as he hugged me, to say

In a whispering way..."Thank you, Grandpa. Can we do this again?

Saturday, January 15, 2011


The Bottle: My friend, my lover, my God

Touched him
He was cold
Looked at him
He was old

One evening, not too long ago
Before all these happenings
We kissed--under mistletoe
Had felt his heart faster beating

Now, far under heavy stone
Not this time to rise
Thoughts are: Glad he's gone.
Finally now realize I'm alone
...And lonely.

Good bye, dear sweet man.

My last drink
of alcohol--Monday
March 18, 1974

in Deviant Art

Friday, January 14, 2011

Shiv-v-ver Me Timbers

Cold as a bitch's butt out there this morning.
Had to ride my scooter anyway.
A fellow had completely blocked
my slightly used, well-cared-for
twelve-year-old Mazda truck.

I had engine trouble on the way.
Some strange and wild noises.
Pulled over to the roadside, turned
off the engine, and that clacking
sound continued on.

Turned out it was my chattering teeth
(Should have left them at home.)

What does this have to do with sobriety?
Ummmm...I was on my way to an AA meeting.
ARCTIC Cold_Fingers_by_BenQue
in Deviant Art

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Blogger Peeps, my life is being lived in a roundabout--I keep running around and about. So this blog is my turning place, I am in the right lane. No longer will I try to fake it in the world of poetry (well, unless 'inspiration' overcometh--grin!).

Never again should I fancy being the drawing/painting artist I aspired to at age 6-16. (Must admit that this very day I was one last time eyeballing art supplies, first through a picture window, then inside store up-close-and-personal.) How do you say, "No MONEY"! --grin!

Arriving in Blogland 31 months ago, I stayed on the main roads writing about topics which I knew, Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, and my own happy-destiny walk 'to stay sober'. I do realize that posts which limn my experiences (ummmm, at least how I remember them) as a drunk and later as doing a new and sober life, might not appeal to many followers. Also I'm hoping myself to 'follow' a few of the Peeps from whom I drifted some months ago.

Simply stated, I'm moving my blog toward its initial raison d'etre, stories about life with--and without--alcohol!
At age five I decided to become an alcoholic when I grew up, NOT TRUE--grin! However, it did happen, full-blown, full-blast! Nearly 25 years of seeking oblivion, finally finding it (I think...who would know? --grin!). And from that evolution into a chaotic existence, I reached a turning point.

Because I had tracked in a log book, I know the day of my last drink. How I wish I had logged (no 'blogs' yet) that day when I first did not even think of a drink! But it happened, and a miserable excuse for a life has become, through trial, error, constant change, and a way of life in Alcoholics Anonymous...hmmm, well, ummm, the happy life of a sober, old blogger.

In my own fashion, I am considering the most 
unbelievably HUGE complete and necessary 
psychic change 
which occurs when a hopeless wet drunk 
becomes dry, clean and sober
--as a fourth dimension event. 
It comes about from a power 
certainly not unknown... 
but unseen.

This post I consider an introduction to my newest effort at being useful to myself--maybe others--in blog land. 
Next post I'll have a story for y'all. OKAY? PEACE!

Image from Deviant Art:
in 4th_dimension_by_azznagavarts

Monday, January 10, 2011


 This is not a re-post, but IS based on
a former post of mine, on
the steveroni blog

Please picture yourself in the following activities:

Reaching deep down into a feed barrel on the farm...cold winter's night. All is darkness. There, a squealing rat behaves insanely in the bottom of the barrel.

As president of a group of about 100 members at monthly meetings, you keep getting elected year after year--they like your Good Cheer, your Joy of Living, your intelligence, and your wit and humor.

You go fishing with four grandsons. You are the only one who does the 'catching' because you have a special sensitivity for feeling the nibbling fish, and that 'timing' to hook them.

You teach your son and daughter to drive the truck at their age 13 and 14.

You attended University--did not graduate, had to earn a living

You married a crippled lady, raised four children with her

You are voracious reader

Always called upon to untangle knots, whether manila rope, or shoestrings

Are an excellent swimmer

Love baseball

Love children--and they loved YOU--ALL children

You are the neighborhood mechanic

You correspond regularly with many friends around the country

You smile almost continuously, whether in company, or alone

When alone--and always while working--you hum songs to yourself

You are a G R E A T  story-and-joke teller

You love, love, love animals

You like BEER!

You 'see' and 'sense' things beyond normal human capabilities.

Two nuns have written a book about you titled, THE JOY OF LIVING

This man was deaf-blind
This man was my father
He lived--and lives--in somewhat of a 'Fourth Dimension'

I used to stare at him, then tightly shut my eyes and plug my ears. TRY it, for just a few minutes. But don't just stand or sit idle. Get active, walk around the rooms. I am here to announce that you will feel, like transported somewhere, maybe into another dimension.

Next Blog post here (in a couple days) I'll announce a change in content of this blog--back to my roots. (pronounced RUTS?--grin!) Some of you Peeps may choose to not follow. That will be OK. I must be "True to Myself". It is time. Blog name is still same, etc., etc...web address is HERE and name shall continue as "The Fourth Dimension"

Peeps....Love, and PEACE!

Picture Credit
as posted on Deviant Art

Friday, January 7, 2011




What is your age?

I'm twelve!

And you play the violin so good. May I play along with you?

Of course!

You have been playing for only eight weeks?

Yes. My school orchestra teacher says I am good, and will need a private teacher soon.

Young man, you already have one.

Thank you, thank you, Grandpa!

In 55 words, then tell G-MAN

Thursday, January 6, 2011


NOTE: The following is not entirely true, but leads into following posts, which will explain how I came upon this blog-name, THE FOURTH DIMENSION. This first installment is...well, a reverie--during which I spent time gathering 'material' for the posts to follow. Thank you for being here.

Oh, did I name this blog Fourth Dimension? I meant Fourth Denomination! You see, my brain was in the planning stages of a new religion--always room for one more, right? Pretty soon, all us religions will be like the United States Congress. Everybody needs them but nobody LIKES them.

As of this moment--whenever that is--I am quelling the 'religion' idea. Heaven only knows (You heard me...HEAVEN!) there are enough of us charlatans around, enough bloody Holy Wars, enough "Kill them because they do not believe as I tell YOU to believe" thinking, rhymes with stinking.

OK, now that my error has been exposed, along with my ignorance--grin!--we may now become serious about this Fourth Dimension. The possibility of spaces with dimensions higher than three was first studied by mathematicians in early 19th century. These guys went to school BIG time. I had to do most of my study in the cool cavern of a tavern. In fact it was named Cool Cavern Tavern! And it was in that cool social environment, that atmosphere of 'higher learning' that I discovered the Fourth Dimension.

One day I found myself with nothing to do--just as all the other days. And so I tripped into the CCT (as we 'regulars' called the Cool Cavern Tavern!), ordered my adult libation, and well--a 'few' drinks and nine hours later, why...up on the roof was such a clatter, I ran through a large window to see what was the matter. I had forgotten that "where there's window...there's glass"! Next thing I knew, some--rhymes with 'glass-hole'--was slapping me in the face, mentioned something about my mother's ancestry and my fatherlessness.

Battered and bloodied I was, as he asked me the whereabouts of someone's wife--OH! ...HIS wife! Well, I might have told him, but I had a feeling he was not ready for truth absolute.

I recall him loudly referring to that scientific Fourth Dimension, guessed he was a scientist. He was yelling, "I'm going to beat your ass into the Fourth Dimension, you prick." (His words.)

During those hours prior to this unfortunate happening, I had enjoyed a scintillating Fourth Dimension experience, had ascertained it was not the same place to which he wished to 'send' me. I had existed in that place where time was not, and space was forever and more.

The next installment of this topic will appear at an explicit future date--I just do not know what date!

But soooon, Peeps (as we say in 4-D).

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Today's Quotes

·        You know, all mystics - Catholic, Christian, non-Christian, no matter what their theology, no matter what their religion - are unanimous on one thing: that all is well, all is well. Though everything is a mess, all is well. Strange paradox, to be sure. But, tragically, most people never get to see that all is well because they are asleep. They are having a nightmare.

·        What you are aware of you are in control of; what you are not aware of is in control of you.

·        We're crazy, We're living on crazy ideas about love, about relationships, about happiness, about joy, about everything.

·        Pleasant experiences make life delightful. Painful experiences lead to growth.  

·        Loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with reality.

·        Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency. I do not demand that you make me happy; my happiness does not lie in you. If you were to leave me, I will not feel sorry for myself; I enjoy your company immensely, But I do not cling.

·        "How shall I get liberation?"
"Find out who has bound you," said the Master.
The disciple returned after a week and said, "No one has bound me."
"Then why ask to be liberated?"
That was a moment of Enlightenment for the disciple, who suddenly became free. 

All Quotes by Anthony de Mello

Monday, January 3, 2011


First post on this blog, similar to an "About me"...but I wish only for you to know me a little, then either stay as a friend--or leave the room quietly--grin!

Sober 36 years.
Age 77
Lived 32 years in Cincinnati
Lived 45 years in Naples, FL

Favorite Authors--cannot help it--Dean Koontz, Stephen King, Anthony De Mello, THE SHACK by Wm Paul Young--and SHAKESPEARE...yesss! And many others!

Favorite music is, of course, classical--I do not mean "Classic Elvis"! Every kind of music has merit, and so long as it lifts my heart and mind away from earthly concerns, I LIKE IT ALL!

Favorite Pastime(s):
Alcoholics Anonymous meetings,
Riding my Suzuki Burgman 650,
Playing violin,
Photographing Peeps w/o posing, guess you'd call it "Candid"
Working in yard,
Washing dishes (true!),
Doing nothing, well...napping!

Favorite to do:
Read poetry, Who would ever have dreamed these hugely-talented Peeps to be on one monitor during a given day?

Peruse the artist's blogs--I LOVE to study the drawings and paint-throwing results. Absolutely love it!

'Historical People' QUOTES

Favorites I Wish for in 2011:
--a happier family life, or any family life at all?
Learning Spanish,
Attending classes in Zen, and principles and history of Buddhism,
Traveling (on scooter?) to visit family in Tennessee mountains.

Health to do these things

It is Pure Joy to be back home again, where I feel 'belonged'. I WELCOME YOU to read and comment, and will make every effort to recognize your comment with a response on this blog, THE FOURTH DIMENSION.  

You are important
Love...and PEACE.