Drinking Alcohol taught me how to fly
Then it took away the sky....

Saturday, January 29, 2011


Tonight I went to a 'Speaker' meeting.
This is a true account of that meeting.
I left out loads of good stuff, too hot to publish here

The speaker's eyes sparkled,
her smile forced response
and she teared only a tad.
During the girl's talk a love-scent exuded from her very pores.
Its transpiration invaded the room like a moving, billowing cloud.

By the end of the meeting, 
love filled every space in that place

She told of her first pre-kindergarten feelings of inadequacy.
Always alone, playmates ignored, even at age 4.
She was considered 'dumb' because she did not like to read
those "stupid story books with stupid pictures."

Next she spoke of her disease, alcoholism:
(Hey, I'll let her tell her OWN story!)   

"I was never a 'part of' anything.
OK, yes, I was Captain of soccer team,
Captain of Cheer-leading squad
But THEY were over there.
And I, over here, was alone.

I felt never EVER 'good enough' never 'accepted'
as if people purposely kept me 'out of' the group,
sort of like ostracized.

My first alcoholic drink consisted of several glassfuls
of vodka-plus-orange juice, and produced a total blackout.
Vomit was all over my pajamas and my bed...and the floor.
I don't remember a thing, except I wanted to do it again!
From that time on, I only drank to get drunk.

I puked a lot during my teens, and I did everything
which a 'nice' girl would not, could not do.

I was the best dancer (kept falling down),
best daughter (my parents never even guessed)
best lover ( all were disasters),
best dresser (I did not dress-to-kill...I dressed to get messed),
best student (I could not read--so failed most everything).

Alcohol made me 'feel good'.
When not drinking, I was restless, irritable and discontented.
Just a few drinks, and I experienced again
that so-desired sense of ease and comfort

My craved-for feelings
of being prettier, thinner, better dressed, smarter, 'cool'...
Increased my physical craving for alcohol.

The 'mental' part--the obsession--well, I ALWAYS had to have more. 

Finally I got into the habit of driving drunk and often wondered,
"How did I get home last night?"

One time I was moving away from the home of my first husband
(I always called him a 'schmuck' because he WAS!) and I woke up thinking that I had all this packing to do.

The house was full of boxes carefully labeled "Dishes", "Linens", "computer", etc. Somehow, in a blackout, I had done the best ever prep job for moving.

Arrested and jailed for drunk driving--third time--was the catalyst for bringing me into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. The AA program, the support, the meetings, the 'coffee-and-breakfast' after meetings...all have saved my life. 

I am working hard, our Twelve Steps. Go to a meeting almost every day, talk with my sponsor a lot! I am now age 27, been sober almost 3 years, and have nothing but LOVE for you people, and AA.

And I am learning to READ!!!
Also I love SO much my fiancee sitting here in the front row, I would never have met him, never could have been so happy, so free as now, were it not for that last DUI which sent me here. Thank you, all you people for being here tonight!"


As this meeting ended, an understanding
love filled every space in that place.
--Steve E


  1. chilling, as i know exactly those feelings of inadequacy and aloneness she described, terrifying, because drinking to get drunk was the only way to drink, and heart-warming, that despite all that, it does not have to end that way...

  2. How the waterfall has changed! perceptions and priorities rearranged; going in a more orderly direction...The glass is splashing over- Thanks.

  3. tears. i understand were she came from...

  4. oh wow - glad she got out of all this and found something worthwhile to live for
    thanks for sharing this steve

  5. I relate to it all, both the before & after, but especially the love

  6. JEREMY!
    Yep. Especially the love...it IS everywhere, just be ready to 'give'. Thanks for comment.

    I am SO glad you read this Claudia--it was not 'short', and thanks for dropping in, you "poet-of-poets"! (NOT grinning!)

    Yep, we DO understand--maybe 'identify'?

    "The glass is splashing over"! There is plenty for everyone, right?

    Dear, there is always the 'optional' ending-grin

    NOTE: In four months it will be 3 years since YOU were the first to comment on my (UGH!) new blog with pleasant, supportive words. We sure get to know lots about one another in that time of reading their "stuff". I LOVE it, girl!
    PEACE! It's a 'spiritual' thing!

  7. Inspirational post, Steve. Beautiful.

  8. So glad to hear she finally has a place where she can belong. Sad that she had to go thru the bottle

    thanks Steve

    All have our own tunnel to crawl through, to end up in that same glorious place. Glad to 'see' you

    Of all the Peeps I know, you say the nicest things...in the fewest words.

  10. Claudia could not have said it better. "glad she got out of all this and found something worthwhile to live for"
    I like the new blog. Hope life is treating you well. I've been gone quite a while, but I'll be back visiting soon.

  11. What a heart breaking story which moves me to tears. I've worked in a childrens home, I have a severely dyslexic son. They were all struggling and in pain, but there is always hope and I love your great end.

  12. this was so moving, i felt like i was in the room...beautiful, sweet steve, thank you so for allowing me a peek into this amazing world of those who have chosen a better way for themselves...what a happy ending! sniff..xo

  13. LINDA!
    You are always so nice to me with your supportive
    comments. I look forward to your visits, and wonder where you find the time, with all you issues of health, farm, healing, painting, drawing, writing, blogging...

    You are greatly appreciated in the 'Dimension'!!

    Photos from NZ have always 'enchanted' me. The shades of color in the mountains--and YOU make them a part of the picture, yet far in the distance. Interesting blog. Thank you for visiting mine.

    Your English is exceptionally good. I'll be back!

    How I wonder about you from time to time, if your young life is still a happy one? Please remember me to Linda Socha if you still see her
    ...and how about you blog more often like at least once every 6 months??--grin!

  14. I am glad to have found your art, here. I have a profound appreciation for your view. Thank you, I look forward to discovering more of it.

  15. I understand this feeling ( felt never EVER 'good enough' never 'accepted')
    This just the being of the book, I have an editer helping me

  16. JANE!
    I have no art--of which I am aware! I am simply an
    alcoholic (Member of Alcoholics Anonymous) who has not drank, and has not died. (That's how we get to be old-timer Peeps!)

    Thank you for visiting, we shall meet again.

    I WILL look up that URL, but not until tomorrow.
    What IS it with us humans...never 'good enough'?
    And what of those who do NOT feel that way? Are there those? (Maybe I better read your manuscript--grin!

  17. sounds like I missed a wonderful tale... I love AA speaker meetings. Hey, visit my blog for an award, my friend! www.sobernuggets.blogspot.com

  18. Scott, I will receive award. Hope I do no have to pass it on to 77 closest friends--grin.
    Thank you, thank you!

  19. great story, Steve. We can all identify with pieces of this. Sometimes someone else just says it right.

  20. sad story... Being witness to such must have been unprecedented(?)But I guess you've heard a few too many of those
    Now she is lucky to have found the place where she can be safe and at peace
    Gratefulness is priceless.
    Thanks for sharing this with us, Steve

    Sorry I haven't ben around often these last days my friend .-(

  21. ELI!
    Welcome to here, my friend. You know that nearly every time a recovering Peep gives a talk, it is:

    1. from the heart,
    2. it is 'horrible' (their drunken past)
    3. it is a truly marvelous miracle (what happened to them as they changed) and it
    4. UNBELIEVABLE how they now live their lives.

    All in one inspiring story, and all as a result of working and following a few simple steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. Please return!

    Yes...sad story. But I will NEVER hear too many of them. While someone 'tells their story' it is helping them to grow...AND it is helping the listeners (hearers) as well. That is why we call it a 'we' program. Few turn away from this deadly disease (alcoholism) without help. And it is in AA where everyone gathers in the same lifeboat--No Matter What.

    Sounds like I'm on the 'soapbox' but this topic is the ONE thing I know. It is not for everyone, but it IS for millions...and me!
    Glad you stepped into this 4th dimension today--grin!

  22. I like hearing those who tell their story and know what brought them in and what keeps them there.