Drinking Alcohol taught me how to fly
Then it took away the sky....

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

ALONE--IN A CROWD...A DIMENSIONAL



ALONE AND LONELY

Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.”
--“Alcoholics Anonymous”, pg 152 

  
As a child I felt so alone, yet I was surrounded with Peeps, a brother, two sisters, lots of 'family' friends, and hired live-in farmhands. One who did not fit in during early school years—me. I was really the country bumpkin who—at age six--had never heard of a baseball game. The result of my 'feelings' (which are not always 'facts'--grin!) was isolation of myself from others. I rather enjoyed being the loner.

Note: Actually, I always had a girlfriend, beginning age five, but I wanted to be accepted by the boys, or as they called themselves, “men”...I mean, age 6 is too young to 'go steady'. So, isolate I did. On the outside I became Mr Friendly, but inside—where it counts—I hid my heart, my soul, my self.

This wishfully-granted loneliness expressed itself in many ways, over the course of many years. Just one short example:

I recall about the year 1954, sitting as a violinist, surrounded by 124 other musicians. I was a member of Cincinnati Symphony orchestra. After the finale of a Brahms symphony, nearly 2,300 Peeps stood, applauding and shouting. As the orchestra--and I--took a bow, I felt those salty tears streaming down my cheeks...tears of fear, loneliness, utter despair. It seemed as if the whole world was happy except me. And that was a direct result of my behaviors, just the “way I was”. Being unhappy and depressed was my destiny—or so I decided.

Of course, through all those years I was not falling-down-drunk every minute. I was sober several times each day, only to easily fall back on my crutch, alcohol. It made me feel like I was “Somebody”, ya know?

My character traits, poor choices, unrealistic view of life, my insane behaviors were the “isms” of “alcohol-ism”. Alcohol just neatly covered them from MY sight, not from others. SO...when I stopped using the drug, I was left with those 'shortcomings', and could not deal with life—without my crutch, alcohol. Hence, Alcoholics Anonymous, where I could observe others like me, and see what they did, to “STAY” sober.

So now, having been sober for many years, why do I continue to go to AA meetings...like—am I going to throw it all away, and drink? Well...

“...The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.” --Jean Cocteau


'Nuff said for now about my drinking “career”...does anyone but an alcoholic talk about his drinking-life as a “career”?--grin!!!

Lonely and Alone, no more...
PEACE!
Steve E

27 comments:

  1. Reading about "Lonely and alone" made me remember a poem I very much could identify with especially in my early youth.
    Searching on the Internet I found that youth still are using that very poem to interpret their feelings.
    I allow myself to leave a somewhat abrupt translation of that very poem, "I SEE".
    I see, I see
    I'm looking at the sky
    Grey clouds are covering the sun
    So this is the world
    Without time nor boundaries
    The home of all heavenly bodies
    Then I see
    Houses
    Bell towers
    And fields in the distance
    So this is the earth,
    Where everything grows,
    The home of mankind,
    Then I see
    Well dressed gentlemen.
    Children riding on a carousel,
    And an elegant Lady,
    Further on
    Someone is beginning for a stale piece of bread,
    I think something doesn't work
    On this planet.
    I see, I see,
    I must have come to the wrong globe,
    Here is so weird.

    Sigbjorn Obstfelder

    Feel free to remove this, if you don't like it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. FELISOL:
    Would NEVER remove a comment unless it was just disgusting. It seems that fellow felt quite alone...like on the wrong planet!

    Thank you for posting, and the trouble to translate. OH! Try this:
    "Someone is BEGGING for a piece of stale bread."
    Otherwise, very well done, Fel!

    ReplyDelete
  3. i am so glad you are not lonely and alone anymore....it's so sad to hear of this kind of pain afflicting children and yet, it happens... i am glad that, no matter how long it took, you did make the right choice and are now saving others. you are a powerful force for good, PEEP! xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just yesterday I was talking about this with a friend, the fact that you could be surrounded by people but feel utterly alone.. great poem

    ReplyDelete
  5. i think many of us walk around in crowded loneliness...we are surrounded by acquaintences but no friends with any depth...and it is scary to realise...

    ReplyDelete
  6. havent passed by your blog in a while Steve. How've you been?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Interesting how much alcoholics and Al-Anons have in common. We use denial as our coverup. And do the whole gig sober.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Having children helped relieve the lonely feelings for me. There was always someone there who needed me and gave my life validity. I have come to enjoy my alone time and have learned to like my own company. The quote by Cocteau...wow...powerful.
    Peace to you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have heard your story over and over in the rooms, and it's not the same it's similar, we are all lonely, we try to hide, we find ourselves repeatedly...alone and lonely...the program has helped us and others to not be lonely but alone is okay, if we're in fit spiritual condition. I adore you and hope you're well and loving life...xo G

    ReplyDelete
  10. LINDA:
    I'm using your (ahem)"Self-Portrait" cracks and all...as my desktop background. Sometimes I switch to the former one, that 'blue velvet' color. Love it all!

    POETIC SOUL:
    Thank you for understanding that it is not like that now--but, OH!

    BRIAN:
    Yup! It's not the same as being in a crowd, and "being still'. It's being in a crowd, and wayyy outside of it at the same time,
    right? One Shot will miss YOU, Buddy!

    CHICK FLICK:
    Thanks for dropping by. I visited your place this morning.

    SYD
    My sponsor claims that in many ways the Alanon program bests the AA program, and he has proven it to me.

    MAGPIE:
    I had children also, but I may as well have lived in another country. You mothers have that 'specialness' in your connections with your kids. Of course, of course--grin!!!

    GABI:
    YOU are a Sweetie! Yup! Enjoying life, and NO complaints. Lots of meetings, and all what goes with that!
    Love and PEACE, girl!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey, Steveroni!!

    Just saw your comment on my blog and think you need to give Canada a chance...lol!! So many beautiful places here to visit especially when it's not cold...LOL
    Great post...btw!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wish for you love ,friendship and strength .

    ReplyDelete
  13. MANON DOYLE:
    Since you probably will not read this, I will 'tell' you--it is not at ALL the country Canada which has left that acidulous taste, but the .....ooops, I almost said it.

    After washing my mouth out with soap, I'll think about some of the lovely Peeps I have met from Canada, and forget those distasteful confrontations.
    And say, PEACE!

    KAVITA:
    Not much more could you wish for ANYBODY! thanks.
    Steve E

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh boy, all I can say is that alcoholism destroys the drinker and those who love him/her. I also cannot stand the mixture of blood and alcohol and as a trauma nurse for many years that combination odor was the staple of my Christmas Day and New Year's Day shifts! We literally wallowed in blood in the trauma rooms and have to breathe through that reek of ethanol. Too many lives lost.

    ReplyDelete
  15. this could have been a page from my life... alone in a crowd. still get that some times... thanks, steve!

    ReplyDelete
  16. CES:
    Trauma rooms: ...and yet, working those very bloody rooms helped to shape and sharpen your philosophy of the present. That which you frequently present to us Peeps as a present. >Love multiple-meaning words...grin!

    I believe your experiences there are on some level a part of the incessant demands of your art.

    An enlightening comment. Thank you. PEACE, now........

    ReplyDelete
  17. SHADOW:
    Guess it's all a part of being human...and, without all the parts, we are not WHOLE! Right?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Another interesting story!!!
    :-)
    Love to read them!

    ReplyDelete
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