Drinking Alcohol taught me how to fly
Then it took away the sky....

Friday, June 21, 2013

good boy--bad boy

Something Happened

"He's a good boy."  That's what people said.  I pretended to not hear them.  Did not want to be a "good boy".  The "bad boys" got the choicest girls, attracted attention of teachers, police, school principals.  They were known, recognized, even liked, praised.

Those--like me--who always said, "thank you", "please", and "excuse me" were not chastised for our behavior? Same old hated--in those words, "He's a good boy."

When alone, I would loudly say "Damn", "Fart" and "Fuck".  Then, as I turned age 10, I tried, tried hard, to become a "bad boy".  But I was not properly accepted, acclaimed, liked. People only laughed at me, saying, "Look at that good boy trying to act bad."

I kept on proving to myself and anyone else that I WAS bad, became a real drunk, and I existed with the emotions of a 15-year-old for the next 25 years.

Two things I wish to mention.  At age 15, when I REALLY began my BAD life, all those other "bad" guys became good guys, earned post-grad degrees with honors.  They got good jobs, stayed married, raised families "properly", became owners of successful businesses or respected elected officials (HA!).

By age 40, in poor health, I was stealing in order to support a rather expensive drug-and-booze habit.  Life continued--then Something happened!  I got well, began living with a gusto like never before, happily enthusiastic about EVERYTHING!  What that Something was is between me and It...but I always now capitalize the word Something.



  1. There is always only a thin line between good and bad.

  2. glad you found your way back from the dark side man....ran that life for a few years....became bad to survive and scare away the vultures...and nurse my failing self image....

  3. That moment when you choose to return is all that matters!

  4. Nice to see you and read again my dear friend

  5. somehow for me it was the other way round.. i was always the bad girl..even if i tried to act good...then i just acted like i think people expected me to act and became Really bad - ha... luckily made my way back as you made your way back as well..

  6. Maybe one day we'll all meet in that BIG room with sign on door: "SOULZONLY"

  7. Someday, somebody, sometime, someone or someplace...
    they hold immense power... to change us, to bring us back or derail further..

  8. Bad ? I was nasty- don't know how else to say it!
    Good piece ! thanks-
    (Margaret posted on my blog - if the book you wanted to recall was:
    - "Black Like Me" by John Howard Griffin? : )

    1. IZZY, how can I thank you (and your friend Margaret?
      I just came across this:

      The title of the book is taken from the last line of the Langston Hughes poem "Dream Variations":

      Rest at pale evening...
      A tall slim tree...
      Night coming tenderly
      Black like me.

      Isn't that a marvelous lne?

  9. Yup- to the whole miraculous process- : )

  10. One day I hope to read about Something. I'm sure it'll be something!
    I grew up as a good girl, straight A student. So good that it became a job to be that good. Expected by all to always have the right answer, teachers disappointed if EVER I'd miss. hmmm maybe I'll write about that...with your permission.
    Glad Something got into you and you because Something wonderful.

    1. Holy God...have I ever got HER snowed! (Laughing loud and long.)