ISOLATION--A GOOD TIME?

Words of "Isolation"

Music from "Fascination"

"It was Isolation, my dear..

T'was this Isolation,

sprung out from my fear

Heart that's made of lead

might as well be dead

Unless "I love YOU"

is--yes--what she said,

so true..." 

"Happy Thanksgiving 2012"

Thursday began for me like most other mornings, attendance at an early AA meeting (actually, two of them), happily greeting and enjoying friends in recovery. I had earlier posted on Face Book and elsewhere, how wonderful I felt, while wishing the same for everyone else--it IS a holiday!

Something unusual hit me in a sudden torrent of fear, preceded by a premonition that all was not well--in my head. 

A committee had formed in my brain, in emergency session, to remind me how worthless I am. How could anyone wish 

to be in my presence, or even near?

Ding, ding, ding, ding...

hear that bell ring?

it was my clue

to call somebody.

Anybody. Even you!

Nope! Rather be suffering. 

So I did "do" dinner at noon, and, 

tired from  forcing a smile, 

went home to "isolate"

--just as I used to many years ago. 

ALONE AND LONELY
1958

 I was alone and lonely

also I spoke to no one

and the world

seemed a strange place" 

One day while walking 

along the river bank, I met

a snake, a snail, and a shell.

And I spoke with them:

"All life is twain,

the one a frozen stream;

the other a burning flame.

And that burning flame is

LOVE!" 

(4 lines from THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran) 

Later I came upon 

a little child in a carriage 

...and she smiled tenderly at me.  

--Steve E, December 1958

OK, ces sation...

no more im molation 

a bit of--ap probation? 

(is that a word?--grin!)

That which brought you near

also brought you HERE

Sobriety intact,

Steve E  (aka steveroni) 

IMAGE

Family Bonding 

by ericashanee 

In Deviant Art    

href, href, href...clearing my throat!

 DEFINITIONS

"Brrrrrrrr" means shiver and shake

"Poppies" means...pretty flowers?--grin!

"Href, href, href" means clearing my throat!

"Tuesday" means it is time to write something--ANYTHING!

So (href, href, href) Last Thursday I was chairing an AA meeting, and while putting a topic on the table, someone from behind shook my shoulders, made me spill coffee, and jarred me a bit.

His Voice behind me, in a whisper:

"I've got a liver--I've got a liver!"

(With a transplanted liver

he'd begin to plan, work, play, live!

The metabolic alcoholic,

(who I 'sponsor' in AA)

with nervous shout, ran out

hitting the floor, and through the door..

At the explanatory announcement,

the group of eighty-five alcoholic* Peeps

lauded...applauded, in bursting sentiment!

"Liver-Man" heard this energy from outside

as the eighty-five--hearts opened wide--

sent their group-conscious spirit and well wishes

after him...to meet him...

And PRAYER!

On the third day he walked, talked,

felt so good. He confided in me:

"I could hear my group, my friends,

cheering and (href, href, href) while clearing

my throat ...and eyes,

suddenly realized...

at THAT MOMENT 

I felt Less

Stress.

All which was left was LOVE, PEACE,

FAITH and TRUST--in my Higher Power,

My God, as He expressed himself through

all those Peeps that day."

--Steve E (aka steveroni)

*recovering alcoholic Peeps 

Published for dVERSE POETRY

OLN (Open Link night. 

Post AFTER 3 PM Tuesday

Photo Image of 

field of poppies in Early Dawn

by Adam Edwards, In DeviantArt

A Soliloquy

PHOTO by Bill S, Naples FL

PARADISE ON EARTH

Upon moving to Naples Florida 47 years ago, age 32, I was literally enthralled with EVERYTHING from weeds to winged creatures, crawlers to crayfish, peaceful sunny days (300 each year!) to hurricanes.

Then happened a time period of raising a family, working two jobs, plus playing violin--talk about stress! During these years I began to take for granted everything for which we'd stopped and stayed.

NOTE:
(Except the seven Package Liquor Stores--one for each day of the week! Heaven on earth...Really!) Actually, my wife (now deceased) and I were just passing through, stopped--and stayed, early 1965.

We boated, fished, swam naked, explored uninhabited beaches, but it was all, like, so dull, boring--always praying that tomorrow would be better. Reality would have us wonder, "What could be better?" But reality had escaped our lives.  In truth, we had escaped reality in a bottle.

Finally, tomorrow is here. And better it is, so much so. Only changes I would have are selfish ones. God will one day say either "Yes", "No", or "maybe, if you're good boy", HA! (Boy!) I enjoy to be known how happy I am to be sober (actually, I shout it from the rooftops!), see others stop drinking and stay sober, and have more friends in sobriety than I'd ever imagined. A simple way of life, working on some self-defects, helping others to find their way in life. Lot of our work as alcoholics is one-on-one sharing with another. Others are always helping me also.

This new life--a busy one to be sure--leads to less stress (sometimes none?) very little if any anxiety, and a spectacular freedom known only to a few--because I talk to lot of Peeps who are not free. I was imprisoned by my own soul.

All my life the only word I knew was "Yes!" Lately I've learned of another word, "No!" What Freedom....

I am honored to be allowed to play violin at mass almost every week--this does not make me a holy Peep, but I can and do LOVE it--grin!

Friends I love, in very special ways, finding joy in time spent together. Some live far away. It is difficult to realize that at the end, my wish bucket will not be empty. But somehow I believe that God's wishes will survive, and provide us all with an eternity which--if we knew what really it was like--would kill us.

LOVE and PEACE!
Steve E

THEN AND NOW!

Written for and posted to

Dverse Poets Pub's

Open Link Night

(Open Tuesdays at 3 PM EDT)

 

DREAM--A MIRROR OF REALITY

In sleep's deep I see

so far away, ago,

a life unfolded

imagined spies

real lies

daily scolded

years of tasting

forbidden universe,

drunken, drugged

unplugged...

...and the world

with its pretty face

finally, at the ugly last...

seemed a strange place

Altogether

correct, as written:

first time around...

IS my hell.

<*snap*>!!!

Wake-up time!

Mr Sunshine!

Show me that river

take me across.

From this moment

You be 'boss'.

My span of living

still happening!

Enjoying this sequel,

continuously-unfolding

invented time.

Exploring wood:

hiking trails

playing in the sea.

All people--gather.

Join as one...and 

let love guide

to promised land.

--Steve E

4/10/2011

IMAGE:

Dream Mirror of Reality 

by kimag3500

in Deviant Art

ALONE--IN A CROWD...A DIMENSIONAL

ALONE AND LONELY

“Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.”

--“Alcoholics Anonymous”, pg 152 

  

As a child I felt so alone, yet I was surrounded with Peeps, a brother, two sisters, lots of 'family' friends, and hired live-in farmhands. One who did not fit in during early school years—me. I was really the country bumpkin who—at age six--had never heard of a baseball game. The result of my 'feelings' (which are not always 'facts'--grin!) was isolation of myself from others. I rather enjoyed being the loner.

Note: Actually, I always had a girlfriend, beginning age five, but I wanted to be accepted by the boys, or as they called themselves, “men”...I mean, age 6 is too young to 'go steady'. So, isolate I did. On the outside I became Mr Friendly, but inside—where it counts—I hid my heart, my soul, my self.

This wishfully-granted loneliness expressed itself in many ways, over the course of many years. Just one short example:

I recall about the year 1954, sitting as a violinist, surrounded by 124 other musicians. I was a member of Cincinnati Symphony orchestra. After the finale of a Brahms symphony, nearly 2,300 Peeps stood, applauding and shouting. As the orchestra--and I--took a bow, I felt those salty tears streaming down my cheeks...tears of fear, loneliness, utter despair. It seemed as if the whole world was happy except me. And that was a direct result of my behaviors, just the “way I was”. Being unhappy and depressed was my destiny—or so I decided.

Of course, through all those years I was not falling-down-drunk every minute. I was sober several times each day, only to easily fall back on my crutch, alcohol. It made me feel like I was “Somebody”, ya know?

My character traits, poor choices, unrealistic view of life, my insane behaviors were the “isms” of “alcohol-ism”. Alcohol just neatly covered them from MY sight, not from others. SO...when I stopped using the drug, I was left with those 'shortcomings', and could not deal with life—without my crutch, alcohol. Hence, Alcoholics Anonymous, where I could observe others like me, and see what they did, to “STAY” sober.

So now, having been sober for many years, why do I continue to go to AA meetings...like—am I going to throw it all away, and drink? Well...

“...The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.” --Jean Cocteau

'Nuff said for now about my drinking “career”...does anyone but an alcoholic talk about his drinking-life as a “career”?--grin!!!

Lonely and Alone, no more...

PEACE!

Steve E

One-Dimensional

RESPITE

These are a few thoughts which 
I've garnered from Peeps:

“In the absence of our judgment, everything is at it should be.”

To relieve our depression we practiced symptoms of radiant happiness

We must do things which are uncomfortable, in order to BE comfortable

Sobriety should not be a struggle, for we have ceased

fighting anybody or anything—including alcohol

Q. What will I DO when I stop drinking?

A. Everything ELSE!

New book title: “HOW TO STAY SOBER.........for DUMMIES”

Chapter ONE: Do Not have that FIRST Drink!

For Family Outings, Parties, watching TV football:

MUST I numb my brain in order to enjoy life????

One thing worse than enthusiasm which is dead--

PATHETICISM!

Wife, to recovering alcoholic husband:

“YOU always were a Jekyll-and-Hyde,

But the wrong one got sober...”

__________________________________________

MAN, thinking about quitting drinking--

'talking' to his fresh bottle of Jack Daniels:

“ You made me lose my wife, children, house,

car, boat, my job, my 'friends' and my health...

..(He puts bottle up close to his ear, and softly says)

"DID I JUST HEAR YOU APOLOGIZE?”

sayings_by_limeslime34--Deviant Art

SOME DIMENSIONS NEVER CHANGE!

RIDE SAFE!

Recently—well several months ago—I came across two old family photos. The first was taken in October 1947. It is me riding my WHIZZER motorbike. I was age 14, really proud, and sort of (Ha!) a maverick. That means I did the exact opposite of whatever was expected of me or what I was told to do. P/S Still do sometimes.

This bike had 'power assist', i.e., the rider was the power, and he/she assisted by pedaling when the uphill journey demanded. I loved that bike—it did about 50 m/p/h with a tailwind—downhill—grin! (For this motorbike I paid $60...money from washing dishes in a large downtown Cincinnati restaurant.) Parents had said “No! Be smart! Deposit your money in a bank!”) Fat chance!

 

Photo #2 (below) is of me driving, a friend (Don) riding shotgun, on a 1948 Salsbury Motor Scooter (The last year they were manufactured). I bought it new in 1949, cost me $220, quite a lot of money in those days. I was 16 years old, a violin-practicing, farm working Peep (shoveled LOADS of you-know-what!) in an all-male high school. (What a screwed-up world!) I loved that scooter, it breezed along easily at 70 m/p/h/, ran circles around the competition. Automatic Drive, no gears to shift, no “owner-powered-assist”!)...

Can you see one of several Collies, "Lassie" 

in the background by front headlight? 

Also behind us is house where I lived 

from birth until "Goodbye"--about age 18

Hope you enjoyed this look at

Steve E in his 'yoot'...

NOTE:  During these years of youthful fun-and-frolic, 
I 'suffered' all the symptoms of alcoholism; 
Fear, Paranoia, Self-Centeredness, 
Pride, Anger, Greed, LUST, Envy, Vainglory.

Although I did not drink "TEN quarts of vodka each week, 
I  was never able to stop, once begun. 
Always wanted to feel better, to be someone else. 
And alcohol did that for me--from the first. 
Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous!

 (Photo Credit: Norma E, my mother, died 1995)

 

Is she or Isn't she?

Girl in photo might be protecting her anonymity by hiding her face. I wonder if she is indeed a violinist? (Answer at end of post.)


Many of us violin players are dually addicted: music and alcohol. Together, they raise my spirit level to a totally higher stage...music and alcohol!


Ethyl Alcohol deadens the central nervous system, so in combination with violin playing, I never knew which it was made me "feel different, feel good"--grin! To that extent I often drifted apart from the real world, unfocused, lost in the activities--a symphony of empty bottles.


Playing violin and drinking booze walked with me hand-in-hand during half my life. The music lifted my spirits--the 'spirits' made me think I played OH! so good!  LOL!


With time, in my unawareness, those two drugs, music and booze--my two lovers--subtly began to quarrel, one whispering that it did not need or want the other to 'make' me happy. That was then.


Sober now--those days are long ago, seem far away. However, the ghost of the dead drug might return at any time to haunt the house. That is why I continue to go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, to help myself and others to steer a course through safe waters in that channel of sobriety, the sea of life...under the care of a Loving Creator.


For certain I do not know if the undraped violinist in the photo is an alcoholic (doubt it!)...but I DO know she is a violinist! How do you think I can tell? Well, blow it up a bit--I mean "enlarge the photo", dammmit!

Maybe only a string player would notice this: the fingernails of her left hand are neatly trimmed, while her right hand is sporting some wildcat claws...Sorry I do not have a link for you to the photographer. (I think she is 'nice'--grin!)


PEACE!

TRUE LUNACY IN DIMENTIONS

What do I mean by mental obsession and the 

obsessional character of alcoholism, the disease of lunacy?
(WAIT! Who asked that question, anyway? OH! Nobody?)

Well, as I understand it, we are all born with freedom of choice.
The degree of this varies from person to person, and from area to area in our lives.
In the case of neurotic people, our instincts take on certain patterns and directions,
sometimes so compulsive they cannot be broken by any ordinary effort of the will.
The alcoholic's compulsion to drink is like that.

As a smoker, for example, I had a deeply ingrained habit - I was almost an addict.
But I do not think that this habit was an actual obsession.
Doubtless it was broken by an act of my own will. Badly enough hurt, I gave up tobacco. Should smoking have repeatedly landed me in Naples Community Hospital,
I doubt that I would have made the trip many times before quitting.

But with my alcoholism, well, that was something else again.
No amount of desire to stop, no amount of punishment, could enable me to quit.
What was once a habit of drinking became an obsession of drinking - genuine lunacy. 

Message digested from writings of Barefoot Bob, 

My Friend...deceased

HAPPY DIMENSIONAL SATURDAY

 My Violin: Made by Georges Chanot, in Paris (France--grin!) in year 1856. Note the fancy chin rest, Rosewood. --Steve E


Just a quick post (My first EVER--'quick'!) Going to give my grandson a violin lesson. And I'm loving it! I have NEVER enjoyed--so I just did not do it--teaching violin. Even though I have a Masters in Music Ed,. I have HATED hearing those squeaking sounds coming out of a violin made from a cigar box. Played by a child who doesn't know how to blow her/his nose.

Today, I am thrilled, yes, honored, to go and teach a boy, age 12, a relative. He is SO receptive, actually EAGER to learn--diametrically opposed to his grandfather (me)!

I remind myself again, if I had not received help in stopping my alcohol addiction, I would have died at least 30 years ago. And never could have enjoyed this moment--today--and many others.

Love you. Love life. PEACE!

ABSOLUTELY!!!

On abstinence--A Piece of my Story

Regarding stopping the daily booze habit:  Sure I drank, didn't everyone? And I could stop, whenever I wished. In fact I stopped many times each day--I'd even put the lid back on the bottle. (How I loved the contents of those beautifully labeled bottles!)  Stopping drinking was simply easy.  The problem was to 'stay' stopped. That I would not, could not do.

Sure, I stopped drinking for a day, one time a whole week--well, 6 days and 4 hours, does Saturday count?--grin! What does it prove, one day, one week, a month? Only that I did not drink. This next is not documented--but most of my thinking during those 'dry' days was about drinking....

and how my body craved it (physical compulsion)....

and how my mind had been telling me, "What a mistake, to stop drinking--who cares whether I drink or not?" "I really REALLY  N E E D  it!" (Mental obsession.)  As a result, I always went back to my alcohol, couple(?) beers during the day/afternoon, wine with dinner yada-yada. Hey, EVERYONE does it.

And here is the punch line, which should (but unfortunately does not) tell me I have a problem:
I have to have it to be sociable, to have fun, to join with others in conversation, joking, to be relaxed, to feel good. Ahhhhh! To feel good. After all, why else do I drink, but that I like the effect produced by drug alcohol?

No human power, no earthly power--certainly not ME!--could relieve me of this daily habit. This habit which more and more often led me to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I am not a weak person, but alcohol had beat me.

More on how I broke the habit, and 'stayed' sober...next time, maybe a week or so. WARNING: I may be using the "God" word...or "Higher Power"!

BEFORE YOU GO AWAY---Just wanted to tell y'all I attended today my first lecture/class  titled "An Introduction to Buddhism". Just felt pulled into it as by a magnet, there are five classes meeting Monday mornings, and I'm going back! Loved it! After learning a little, I'll blog my perspectives as a 77-year-old student--who takes notes so fast I cannot read them--grin! Y'all COME BACK!

IMAGE: Absolut_Spring_by_Kat_Art
in Deviant Art

ME AND MY BOTTLE

The Bottle: My friend, my lover, my God

Touched him
He was cold
Looked at him
He was old

One evening, not too long ago
Before all these happenings
We kissed--under mistletoe
Had felt his heart faster beating

Now, far under heavy stone
Not this time to rise
Thoughts are: Glad he's gone.
Finally now realize I'm alone
...And lonely.

Good bye, dear sweet man.

IN MEMORIAM
My last drink
of alcohol--Monday
March 18, 1974

road_to_the_city_of_hope_by_bluefox8806-d378d0d
in Deviant Art

IN REAL LIFE

 

Blogger Peeps, my life is being lived in a roundabout--I keep running around and about. So this blog is my turning place, I am in the right lane. No longer will I try to fake it in the world of poetry (well, unless 'inspiration' overcometh--grin!).

Never again should I fancy being the drawing/painting artist I aspired to at age 6-16. (Must admit that this very day I was one last time eyeballing art supplies, first through a picture window, then inside store up-close-and-personal.) How do you say, "No MONEY"! --grin!

Arriving in Blogland 31 months ago, I stayed on the main roads writing about topics which I knew, Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, and my own happy-destiny walk 'to stay sober'. I do realize that posts which limn my experiences (ummmm, at least how I remember them) as a drunk and later as doing a new and sober life, might not appeal to many followers. Also I'm hoping myself to 'follow' a few of the Peeps from whom I drifted some months ago.

Simply stated, I'm moving my blog toward its initial raison d'etre, stories about life with--and without--alcohol!
At age five I decided to become an alcoholic when I grew up, NOT TRUE--grin! However, it did happen, full-blown, full-blast! Nearly 25 years of seeking oblivion, finally finding it (I think...who would know? --grin!). And from that evolution into a chaotic existence, I reached a turning point.

Because I had tracked in a log book, I know the day of my last drink. How I wish I had logged (no 'blogs' yet) that day when I first did not even think of a drink! But it happened, and a miserable excuse for a life has become, through trial, error, constant change, and a way of life in Alcoholics Anonymous...hmmm, well, ummm, the happy life of a sober, old blogger.

In my own fashion, I am considering the most 

unbelievably HUGE complete and necessary 

psychic change 

which occurs when a hopeless wet drunk 

becomes dry, clean and sober

--as a fourth dimension event. 

It comes about from a power 

certainly not unknown... 

but unseen.

This post I consider an introduction to my newest effort at being useful to myself--maybe others--in blog land. 

Next post I'll have a story for y'all. OKAY? PEACE!

Image from Deviant Art:

in 4th_dimension_by_azznagavarts