FINALLY...THE GIFT

EVERY SECOND--CHANGES OCCUR 

Pages from my past,

an ethereal dream, 

the lost years 

and the present...

 BEFORE AND AFTER

Voices I heard, like

in distance muffled,

ethereal:

[Even today I can recollect

smells and tastes

of that ether

suffocating under mask

held so tightly by doctor...

his task:

to kill me.

“Operation success.

Patient died.”

And there I,

age five.

Helpless!

devoid

of tonsils,

adenoid,

for breakfast--

ice cream!]

While 'under' I dreamed

so true, it seemed:

“From across great hall

seated on bench, I saw

child running so fast

to catch Santa's last

Eve' in the mall!

Man (from North Pole?),

whiskey bottle in hand

wore dingy blues

thinly threaded,

and oil soaked shoes,

holes in soles, and

dirty-blue headband

'Running' boy climbed on lap,

he looked really sad.

Through tears, said softly

'It's Okay...Dad'.”

Observing all this

finally I know...

how frequently I missed

the 'whole show'.

Drunken isolation.

Fear of rejection then.

And now?

I thrive on greeting,

meeting for a spell;

connecting with

not only friends,

but strangers as well.

I used to gaze down at the floor.

Always.

While hastily seeking any door.

Escape!

I found that 'way out'

--wanted to shout

about the discovery

about my recovery

Now looking forward,

never wanting to miss

split-second glance

of a Peep's eyes,

your eyes...your smiles,

hugs of meaningful support,

possible sweet kiss!

Steveroni

2011 December 26

*inspired by Claudia's “Christmas tree” poem on diverse

Written For DVERSE Poets Pub
Open Link Night
Write a po-em, publish, then after 3 PM (Eastern) Tuesday
link it HERE

THE EMPLOYER

SOME MAKE--SOME DON'T

WARNING: “GOD” TALK AHEAD!

Once I asked the managing director (my former boss and friend) of a large hotel about the heavy-duty responsibilities of his job. Exactly what was it like?

He answered, “Oh, nothing to it. I say to one, 'Go', and he goeth. I say to another, 'Come', and he cometh.”

He was at once being both facetious and truthful.

Curiously, remembering that moment in reflection, I find in it references to my present-day life. In Alcoholics Anonymous I discovered the how and the why of it. In the drama of life, I failed as 'director' of everyone and every living thing.

No longer boss of my life, I now have a new Employer.

All-Powerful God. When I stay close to Him, and perform His work well, He provides everything I need. Usually when He says, “GO!”--I goeth. He says “Come!” I cometh. It can be that simple.

My new Boss is Kind, Gentle, Trustworthy, Loving. Mostly loving! I do not fear Him. And I do not want His job anymore! But I will do anything He asks. I'm becoming accustomed to using AA Peeps, you bloggers, and my AA sponsor to discern God's will for me. I don't think God is good in language, so He “talks to me” through you.

In sobriety I have done some crazy things—insanity returns?--grin! Somehow God turns my world right-side-up. It happens. I know. I have lived it, am living it. With God's Power in my life, and being conscious of His presence, I no longer fear anyone or anything. Nor do I fight, struggle. God does that for me now. (But I still do crazy things—not stupid. Crazy!)

Please NOTE: I'm not here to tell you how 'goodie-good' I am. Rather I would and do usually write how good I am NOT. My point here is to say that if I do behave justly, it is not my fault. It is simply that God has removed, one-by-one some bad behaviors, habits, obsessions, but He is long from finished!

I hate to sit in an AA meeting and hear Peeps talking about how good they are. I want to hear how bad they are/were, and what happened to insinuate a change in behavior. We are not perfect. NOBODY! (Well, I should not speak for you—grin!)

My Employer tells me this is a long-enough blog post. He also says it is bed time! And so I goeth!!!

PEACE, BLESSINGS, LOVE!

--steveroni

(Next time PART III)

PICTURE: galloway_forest__survivors

by_coigach-d2n9rmi in Deviant Art

IN REAL LIFE

 

Blogger Peeps, my life is being lived in a roundabout--I keep running around and about. So this blog is my turning place, I am in the right lane. No longer will I try to fake it in the world of poetry (well, unless 'inspiration' overcometh--grin!).

Never again should I fancy being the drawing/painting artist I aspired to at age 6-16. (Must admit that this very day I was one last time eyeballing art supplies, first through a picture window, then inside store up-close-and-personal.) How do you say, "No MONEY"! --grin!

Arriving in Blogland 31 months ago, I stayed on the main roads writing about topics which I knew, Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, and my own happy-destiny walk 'to stay sober'. I do realize that posts which limn my experiences (ummmm, at least how I remember them) as a drunk and later as doing a new and sober life, might not appeal to many followers. Also I'm hoping myself to 'follow' a few of the Peeps from whom I drifted some months ago.

Simply stated, I'm moving my blog toward its initial raison d'etre, stories about life with--and without--alcohol!
At age five I decided to become an alcoholic when I grew up, NOT TRUE--grin! However, it did happen, full-blown, full-blast! Nearly 25 years of seeking oblivion, finally finding it (I think...who would know? --grin!). And from that evolution into a chaotic existence, I reached a turning point.

Because I had tracked in a log book, I know the day of my last drink. How I wish I had logged (no 'blogs' yet) that day when I first did not even think of a drink! But it happened, and a miserable excuse for a life has become, through trial, error, constant change, and a way of life in Alcoholics Anonymous...hmmm, well, ummm, the happy life of a sober, old blogger.

In my own fashion, I am considering the most 

unbelievably HUGE complete and necessary 

psychic change 

which occurs when a hopeless wet drunk 

becomes dry, clean and sober

--as a fourth dimension event. 

It comes about from a power 

certainly not unknown... 

but unseen.

This post I consider an introduction to my newest effort at being useful to myself--maybe others--in blog land. 

Next post I'll have a story for y'all. OKAY? PEACE!

Image from Deviant Art:

in 4th_dimension_by_azznagavarts